Hey
I've got some things on my mind today. A lot of things. A lot of completely elusive,distrusting things.
Why do I always fall for gay guys? [gay as in not literally gay] I think I'm stupid. These guys don't do anything for me and yet I find myself here falling at their every single word. Why do I do it? I just don't know. I need to find someone who makes me happy, instead of giving problems to me. Love thyself before you can love another, they always say, and I agree. I don't know if I love myself. Outside I do, but inside I don't. It's the worse thing you could do really :hate yourself. I know if I take myself out of context, and consider myself as a different person, I feel sorry for that person. But once I grasp the reality that that person is me; I begin to hate the person. That person is horrible, that person hasn't been given anything in this world. She's had too much shit done to her to be anything, too much shit is still being done to her. I know this is a completely odd, but this nagging thought comes to mind that perhaps she did deserve. Perhaps in some past generation, she was this magnificently evil bitch who took it upon herself to punish people. Do you know those women who would spit in their servants food? Or the other women who would...
So I've stepped too far ahead of myself. I know this, but the bitterness doesn't taste strange any more. It feels like this veil protecting me from colder days. Something that will help my heart from being crushed over again.
As I look back, perhaps that little girl didn't deserve it. But I surely did. If I didn't, it wouldn't have occured over and over again. It makes me feel better to be the villian. It gives a justification to things. It helps me figure out where I went wrong. Now I step outside the lines, and I think this girl must have been some sweet wonderful person who could have helped out this world. But then there is that feeling inside my head, maybe she did do wrong and this is why she felt so broken.
This is what I've gathered of myself. And I know someone sitting there is going "This chick is really fucked up." Yes, I know. But do I really care?
