The Old Site Post Archive Post
Wednesday, March 2, 2005
My life has become too much of a pityparty for other people. I shouldn't be so concerned or delighted when they do bad or good. It just replaces my Mother-Theresa syndrome with a be-all mother syndrome. I can't be a mother to all. I have to stop fighting myself and my own health, and letting others get in the way of doing what is best for myself.
Ive been doing some work, and it's coming along. For those of you who dont know Ive been having a terribly rough time since I got on some new meds, and I think they are making my brain convoluted. That and having everyone stressed around me doesn't help. I think I should take a step back. People rely on me too much. I dont know what I want to do with myself career wise, but I hope I can pick something good. I feel like I am wasting time too much doing things that are not necessary for me and dont help me out much. They probably detiorate my health as well. So, I am going to forget everyone's problems. I dont need to be dealing with them. I should be dealing with my own. I always consider myself selfish, because I am very afraid to be so. But I have realized, that there are some people in my life who are selfish. Who tend to use me for something and never give back in return. Who aren't there for me but always find me when they need me. I should let go of these people. It is not worth my time or energy to try to help people, especially those who are going to isolate me in my time of need. It's just been very emotionally hectic. I dont need to bother with anyone.
I feel highly convoluted. Like too much is piling up and I dont know what to do with it. I did a lot of tasks that I was afraid to do. Even something so simple as paying my bills. I payed for my credit card bills and I need to cancel them as soon as the balance is zero. These are express credit lines for gap and macys and I dont need them to accrue a whole bunch of interest or whatever crap is used. They are charging me 25 dollars for a late fee because I havent paid my gap bill within the month. I mean what is that? So you make money off the fact that I'm a student and also mentally uncapable of doing many things on time because of my illnesses. I dont think so. That had me very angry, because I should have been able to say no. But for some reason it has been hard for me to say that lately. I feel like I am going to say no and do something wrong...like it just feels wrong. I'm thinking it had to do with my amount of suppression Ive been dealing with lately. I have to bring this up with my therapist.
It's when they just assume everything about me is wrong, and criticize me, that I am doing worse. They know what my condition is, and I know what my condition is. You can't blame me for not helping you when I can't help you. When it is physically and mentally impossible for me to do so. You are risking my getting worse and faltering because you put this incredible amount of guilt on me for not helping set the table or something so insignificant but I feel inadequate. Is that what you want? Is this what helps you get through the day? Beating up a depressed girl in her mind and making her mentally rethink everything she does and discredit herself for all the good she does in her life? And discredit herself from thinking of whatever is right with her to be not right. It's just wrong. My head is going to explode. I am tired of being laughed at. "hahahah she cannot do anything," "hahaha she is so incapable,"
"oh she's just a big baby". Why dont you go and fuck yourself off. Really. That is what you really need to do.
Posted by Cerulean @ 03:05 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]3 comments
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Reminders...
1. pay off Gap bill
2. pay Macy's bill (ask for dads credit card)
3. call to see if loan came through for teri
4. check out what is going on with citibank (why do they want you to make payments, ask Gorodetskaya what you should do about the delinquency)
wtf i am so seriously annoyed...didnt take my medication one night and then took it in the morning but im still peeved. slept the whole day away and then something must have happened to piss me off. my dad speaks to me in this tone as if im a two year old. he acts as if i do this on purpose. im not a bum. i dont intend to miss things and do such. it is because i am mentally ill that i can't factor doing some things. it is hard as it is and when people make the assumption that you're not doing it because you want to, it makes it even harder.
i want to shred something. too bad i dont have a shredder, a lot of documents would be gone by now.
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:31 AM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
So today I have this weird assignment to do for Social Psych course. I have to find my daily horoscope, and relate which events in my day are confirming my horoscope and which are not. This is very weird, I dont have time for this and it sounds relatively ridiculous, but I have to do it. Lately I havent liked paying attention to me, so I just try to distract myself. Now this means I have to take a good look at me. It should be refreshing.
I fell asleep yesterday after battling an utter rage of emotions, and then zapped all my energy with medications. Tired from it all, I couldn't grasp the one thing that made me breathe. I had to be alive, I still have to be alive. As my shrink puts it, there is nothing else to do. I was frozen in all my fears and just slammed down on the pillows and went to bed, after talking to a few friends. Friends today keep me alive. My friends have always been good, but now I feel like sharing more with them and they really help me get through the day.
Rising Sign Horoscope
Sirazum
Sun Sign: Aquarius
Rising Sign: Aquarius
edit delete profile
February 16, 2005
At this time, you might find yourself taking a good long look at your available talents and skills, as opposed to untrained ones that you might want to explore. You might also find yourself re-evaluating your attitudes about money. Mercury retrograde at this time causes a powerful focus on your usable resources - whether they be skills or talents, connections, or disposable income. You might also make some decisions regarding future pursuit or disposition of wealth.
So I have to make a few adjustments. The new medication I have has a possible side effect of a deadly rash appearing after week two. Hahahahaha, This was the most amusing thing to me that day. Imagine, dying from a deadly rash. Rashes are something that just itch and come and go...but being fatal...wow. That is some mighty rash. I should stop. I might just die out of vengence for making fun of the rash....
Wheee....
I looked at the mirror this morning and my face felt pretty. Ive always thought I looked like a cartoon character and I wasn't the first to think so. Someone (a teacher) once said I look like a comic book character. I just looked at him with a you-are-kidding me glance. But I get it. Why I look like one, I dont know. I want to be a comic book character. :)
Posted by Cerulean @ 12:24 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Monday, February 14, 2005
My dear lovely readers,
I just wanted to say I love you lots. You are all so great to me. Those of you who reach out to me when I am in a time of need or just talk to me and catch up with what is going on are great!
To my friends:
Oh God I dont know what I'd do without you all! Every one of you is special to me. I'd done some things in the past which Im not too fond of, and had a hard time getting through this depression which I am still going through. Thanks for being there for me along the way. Your loyalty and support and givingness shows me what great people you all are. With each of your personal charms, I know you will go far. You are great in everyday life no matter what you do. Your dedication and good will will take you all to splendid places, I promise. :)
Hugs, love and kisses (however you like em);
:P
Posted by Cerulean @ 03:52 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]2 comments
Friday, February 11, 2005
Boy it's been an emotional day. Have you ever had the feeling where you thought you knew someone but turns out the person turned out to be something so different....well that is what Im going through with a lot of people. Not necessarily a good thing. I guess maybe I expected more...or just something along decent lines. Let me tell you about something sort of related.
There is this relative who has come from my country maybe a year or two ago. Already she's been working twelve hours a day and getting only about 30 dollars for it. She's only got a visa, and she doesn't speak english well. It's broken. Her daughter, who also moved with her as a family (including a son and a husband too) was put into special ed, as a result of her english/grammar problems. So this is what she tells relatives back in the country: "I work 3 hours a day and I get 1000 dollars a month..oh yes my daughter is doing extremely well in school. She has received awards here and is a great student getting all A's...." Top notch student in special ed. Well okay. The thing is, back home the girl was a mediocre student and they usually are aware of who is prodigious and who is not. So now everyone thinks that US education is a piece of cake over there, thereby demeaning all my accomplishments down to a "oh yea everyone can do it." I dont expect a slew of compliments from everyone for everything I do well. But the fact that I work hard and now people think it is something easy and that anyone can do it is bothering me. She also made my mother look bad by saying that my mother has never worked in this country, but alas...she doesn't need to because my dad can actually support all of us and my mom wants to actually be there for her kids. Excuse us for not rushing off into the workforce. She brags and shows off and although this type of thing is usual for my country, over here it makes you look very very shallow. I have no respect for you any more. You dont even have the decency to hold your own ground based on the truth.
Another relative of mine is coming from my country and he works in information technology. He is an Oracle certified professional (i know someone is going whatever that means) and has gotten calls from all over the country for permanent positions and even a call from Silicon Valley! Talk about impressive. So you see, I never really know what to deal with because things thrown at my way are always from opposite ends of the spectrum. Who says I dont have variety in my life.
Posted by Cerulean @ 07:49 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]No Comments
Friday, February 4, 2005
In anticipation of Valentines Day I have made a new layout. It's something that I have made after a long time that I've actually liked. My repressed anger that is coming out makes me come up with hideous pictures in a fit of rage. It's like destruction of beauty or something. I do feel better afterwards, but this means that there is nothing to show for all the time I've dabbled with Photoshop in the last four weeks. Except maybe this.
Tonight is a friday night and I was invited for 3 different gatherings. My friend Tracy invited me to come to her house, another friend asked me to join him to play pool, and yet another group of people are celebrating some issue or nonissue thereof. I, being the hermit that I am transcending into, have chosen to sit at home and write and maybe issue a draft or two to the silly people online about how I am feeling or doing, sitting at home. It's easier for me to pretend I dont exist by putting all my efforts into something virtual. I groan at the thought of spending time with someone, be it anyone, because it is hard for me to convey my emotions so I just chat online, where it is easier for me to break down thought patterns and write about them in small sentences not having to explain something. If given a request for an explanation I have the proper time without the nuisances of smiling or shall we say comforting and other things that I tend to do. Becoming invisible is a bad thing.
Lately Ive been feeling that urge to just be deterred from everything. I sleep and sleep is my comfort but even in sleep I am sought an anxious wreck. I am consumed by billing methods and registration problems that in all it's entirety have caused me to become specifically isolated and indifferent towards things. It's not even a fact to say I am indifferent, I am only indifferent outwardly when I become divulged and tending to my anxieties. I have a fear of the outside world, the unknown, and staying at home masks that. I hope anyone can leave me comments on the layout, as I am a bit drained and have felt accomplished in very few instances regarding web design as of late. I dont know why I'm talking like this, or typing in this tone, usually I just speak well mannerdly but also in a normal tone but now this is just some sort of formality. Typing that is. It's so hard for me to crack open my soul on a text online.
But I do it anyways. I hope no one is worried. I hate worrying people. I hope people care, although I'm sure I know they do. Sometimes you have to feel rather than just know.
My laptop pisses me off sometimes. That is about it. :)
Posted by Cerulean @ 08:46 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]3 comments
Sunday, January 23, 2005
It's a rather cross day. The weather is on it's own charade and it wants to be friends with the wind and the frozen sentimental chills of this storm. I sit in my room amused at it's existence, hoping tomorrow will never come. It is evasive. I have no crystal ball to ask and my memories have been shattered to a millions so I can't ask myself.
I hear the screams of a mighty two and a half year old leaper of beds, who claims to ask for help every time his tantrums are not answered. It's more of a "hawp hawp" instead of a "healp" but what can you say to someone who barely is intuitive of the english language. Hush therefore child, and I am listening to the wind and the heat and the chopping of vegetables in this odd tranced state I am in. My brain feels immensely itchy at it's core. I wish I could scratch something like it I could go on and on with a pencil striking my scalp but nothing will help. I wonder of the word zombified makes any sense.
Yesterday I took two pills of the Risperdal, and went back to my regular old schedule of pills. I had one - the neurontin which made me feel so much as if I were stoned I didnt know what to say or do but to stare at things. One single thought seemed so immense that I could not move, nor talk, and my reaction time descreased by what seems to be light years. I can see things happening, I just cannot react. I think the messages get misconstrued in my head so I am using this to the best of my ability to acknowledge that I am in fact going crazy in some forms. I am getting better yet going crazy. It happens. You break your leg and then you splurge energy and into getting it better until you lose balance and hurt it again. It's a continuum and it's very hard for me to see the light at either terminal when I am so lost I want to be shaking and losing my skins and turning into many forms so exchanging my being. Someone should massage my neurons should they work any better, and or faster...maybe faster. Or just work. damn you work.
Posted by Cerulean @ 07:46 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
For lack of complete updates for a while, I'd like to say, I WAS thinking about you. :P
My site to me is something I work with from time to time, so I feel no regrets when I am gone. I actually thought about what I was going to do with this site and stuff, and I want people's opinions. I know there are some that check it regularly. I think I'm going to add a skins sections, or themes, which is all like glamourous! Wooo yay for coffee and me not being able to sleep. I had a wonderful time in the break off, got to see some people I havent seen in a while. It's all good. I went shopping which is a big plus considering there was nothing in my wadrobe I could wear. I experienced great new music, from different people and even met someone from abroad online who I can totally relate to. Einar, if you're reading, hello :).
So, the best thing thus far is having time to relax. My grades are up, and it turns to be good. Which was to me, astonishing. I know I put in effort but I didn't expect for it to come through. I'm going to add a me section to the site to, which some random information about me yall didnt even need to discover.
This layout has to do with transformation but I have another layout which is going to be up too,
http://be.sweet-muse.org/prettygirllayout.jpg if anyone wants to take a peek. Ugh, we went shopping for shoes today and I am just so tired but the caffeine wont do me in. sooo you're probably tired of this incessant rambling. I just wanted to share my happiness. ::spreads seeds of joy::
:) ;) :P.
Posted by Cerulean @ 01:53 AM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Thursday, January 6, 2005
To do List:
-Make doctor appointment
-Go to Poly to pick up Tap Application*
-Pick up Jacobs Scholarship Application
-Fill out Tap Application and send it back in to school or place*
*ASAP
That's it.
Posted by Cerulean @ 03:02 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]2 comments
Thursday, December 30, 2004
I went to the bay today. It was nice and warm out this morning from the sun being up and someone had thrown a bunch of loaves of bread out to feed the birds. The ducks and seagulls had formed a mass around the loaves while some of were playing in the water. They huddled each other for the food and splashed in this way that made me think of relatives and family. It was one big community and the people fought for resources, but in the end children played and people fed themselves and enjoyed a good time underneath the sun. I was stunned, stood there for a while watching these innocent creatures so endured by a hard winter, but life for them was good. A little kindness goes a long way. I thought of the person who had the generousity to give away such big loaves of bread, probably a nearby restaurant but it was no less kind. If people thought about other creatures all the time like this imagine where we'd be.
This led me to a thought...."We have to appreciate the beauty around us and stop to breathe the air in once in a while sometimes without letting any other things bother us."
Some people who were walking by stopped and watched with me, and from the corner of my eye I observed them. It's odd when people actually stop by to see a scene like this in New York, because people are usually busy being bristled by their high paced lifestyles.
I saw a police officer on a horse too. I guess I had my share of seeing animals for the day. Someof the beautiful swans even came out to play.They look brand new in their winter coats, as if ready for the sun whenever it starts to be a little less frigid. And sometimes we miss these things, while we are busy doing something else.
Posted by Cerulean @ 08:18 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]2 comments
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Things to do on Christmas Day:
do the laundry (no one does it on christmas day machines are free!!)
buy some gifts for friends
wrap up gifts for the superintendent and the security guard
personally hand gifts to them
photocopy invoice from Gateway
write email to Khalu about chain
I think I'm going to be starting with the last one. I dont celebrate Christmas, for those of you who don't know, because I'm not Christian. But Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you.
Posted by Cerulean @ 02:35 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]1 Comment
Thursday, December 23, 2004
I hate when my mom asks me open ended subjective questions. It's not even like they're supposed to have an answer anyways. "Why are you talking to her? Oh Okay so why are you doing that? Who are you writing an entry to? What is the point of this?" What gets me most mad however, is when she thinks she can decide what I enjoy doing. Some parents will never learn. We are not just children any more. She wants me to enjoy doing what she does just so I can talk to her about it. She wants me to be like her best friend and her clone or something. It's madness. If she wanted someone to be so much like her, why didnt she clone herself instead of having a baby? It's detrimental when parents suffocate you so much. You have some kids who's parents just dont let them be, and some parents who are never around. I think acceptance is something so hard to gain or search for. Does anyone feel like they have well balanced parents?
This week was an up and down emotional whirlwind. I get high and then I come crashing down. Times like these make me contemplate the possibility of my being bi polar. Not like it would be the best thing if I was but it just makes me think you know, maybe if they could get a clear picture of what is wrong they could treat me better. Maybe I should take more mood s's? Wouldn't that just make me more of a turkey though. I dont think eating tubs of lard could make me as fat as these medications do. I'm just feeling so iffy...for lack of a better term. I wish some days I would wake up and be carefree and numb to it all but I can't, so I will try my best to do what I can. I hate people expecting me to be sunshine all the time, or not to go through up and down phases. If life was so wonderful it would be wonderful for me not you and even you have your hard times. Everyone goes through it. Don't pity me because I am not less or more than you. I'm human. I need to feel more like a human and less like an emotional yoyo.
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:20 PM CST [Link] [Karma: -1 (+/-)]1 Comment
Friday, December 17, 2004
You know what I want? I want you.
Wrapped up in velvet, snuggling up in a chair here. I want your mind opened to me, like Pandora's box. So many wrongs twisting up into a right, for if you dont do this no one will.
I want your lips to press themselves against my bathed soul, buttered in innocence. I want you to fathom days when I could be holier than your life and your tightening ambitions have ever been.
And I want you to hold me, when days are cold, sadness strikes, and these tears are all I can give to a crystal pristine existence.
If I gave you my heart, would you take the pieces and burn them, like hunters do on missions to stray from their young all the while never realized their answers were instilled in them? Have you broken an oath, caused a wound, or touched my heart with your fingers and found it too dry to meddle with?
Is it too slimy, do your fingers get stuck in the kinks of my reality, does it bite you like teeth and spit you out like fire? And do you ever burn for your memories, deposited with figments of dust, clouding up your midnight dreams.
I want you here with me, and if I could take you, hold you on my skin and make everything in the world stop turning forever. I would. It's so destructive, but I would. For you are the only thing I've ever felt close to eternity, sins apast, filtered delusion reeking wide, skinny smiles on my shining teeth.
Baby, all I want is you.
This is more like a piece by me than anything. It's about something I want. and it just decided to come out that way.
Copyright 2004, S. Islam
Posted by Cerulean @ 07:07 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]2 comments
Saturday, December 11, 2004
I have put a new layout up. Between the madness of the ending semester and upcoming finals, this is what I came up with. It represents that time period. I thought it was suitable. It's not killer, but eh something that works. I want to do the cities layout so badly. I ordered a laptop, and it's coming the 16th or before. Then I can hop on the bandwagon of sanity and express my emotions clearly.
There havent been any more changes to the site. I work slowly, so yeah. If any one of you who periodically check the site without comments, would like to see something on it, COMMENT! blahahaha.
I got a B in art history. That is a relief for me, considering that my grade started out as a C+ because of factored in stomach virus and sick days. I tried my best and I did put in effort, I was glad to find a class where I could be creative with some things. My schedule is done, ready and fixed, but I'm wondering if I'm going to keep up with the 16 credits. Taking too many credits I think cheapens the whole experience.
There's a whole war zone going on at home. Brother comes home, mom attacks brother, bitter verbal warfare ensues. I think the baby handles it pretty well. He slams the door and goes about his own, daintily walking and laughing and giggling to himself. It such a pretty site to see. He's kind of like a fairy, has his own way of making things seem so intriguing. Except now he takes me hostage into the bedroom. I dont know whether it's simply the fact that he enjoys my company or he wants me to stay clear of the benevolent path, but every time I get up to leave the room he pushes me back into my seat. It's rather funny too. He walks by the door and shuts it and crosses his little arms and looks at me sternly. "NO WHY?" says his little mouth. He glares at me with this proposterous look, as if I am crazy to even contemplate the outcome.
I managed to go to the MOMA for this project I had done and he appeared in my mind several times when I thought of who the artists could be. He draws these weird sketches, this 2 and a 1/2 year old. He doesn't sign his name on them or anything, but I could see him signing his name on them with a massive purple marker. Creating these warped fishes, and strange people. He gets the smily faces down pat, and they look so cute, but their body equivalents are just astonishing. They're out of place, but they seem to look real like some warped cartoon. I guess you really have to see this to believe it yourself. But I parallel his work for a two year old, with Picasso's work for a seventy year old. At two he's doing unbelievable stuff, and I cannot imagine what he would be doing when full grown.
This is my perception of it. I have a vivid mind when it comes to these things, especially when one can create in an environment so loud and obnoxious.
It's totally toxifying. The only way I can explain it. I need some baby madness. He's sleeping by the way. I love talking to him as if he is a full grown adult, he answers the questions and pretends to carry on a conversation with me as if we were fully indulged in one. And then he starts running circles around me, and I remember he is only a wee bit of a tiny child.
A child who can grow up to do many things.
We were all this child once. Even if we can never imagine it so.
I completely forgot what I was saying but nonetheless, now you have an entry. :)
Posted by Cerulean @ 10:09 AM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]7 comments
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
I have graffiti on my arms.
My baby brother thought I was a canvas.
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:19 PM CST [Link] [Karma: -2 (+/-)]3 comments
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Long awaited entry....how oddly I splurge onto this. I hadn't been updating due to the recent rather enjoyment of the livejournal, which was invented only to put me on hold from this site. The sentiment behind that I will explain later.
So beyond schoolwork and masses of my subconcious that drain away worrying for these grades, I have come up with many conclusions. I'm a battlefield, and I cannot be trusted with holding my future in my own two hands. I am constantly running back and forth among bases. What if I spilled my future? My gosh, what if I dropped it in the wrong time and place? That is what panic is about. But thankfully my doctor gave me these wonderful pills that dissolve quietly on my tongue. After 20 minutes, I am fine.
.....That is the miracle of modern medicine!
People have been fickle lately, and as an observer I'm quite overjoyous. Watching people blunder up their friendships and lives is amusing to me. Perhaps I am more sadistic than I thought. Being on receiving end of this hurts so much though. It almost makes me want to rip up all my friendships, for fear that I will be hurt again. So I quietly sink into an internal personality, while presenting to the world a menaced perfection.
Bugs make me jump.
I went nuts yesterday, in the office callously laughing at everything I heard. It was ammunition from caring too long that I just stopped caring. It happens. People think you care all the time when you're this depressed and insane, but it doesn't happen. If you cared all the time you'd be an emotional timebomb.
Anywho....
I'm going to refrain from adding anything else because I must continue with my new baby : http://be.sweet-muse.org/arthistory.html
It is an art history presentation/project, but it is taking a bit of time and effort as I do love to dabble in art. Leave any comments about what you think of the layout. It'd be much appreciated. I can even mail you a cookie, but I dont think it's good to have Fed Ex mail me back the crumbs. :P
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:17 AM CST [Link] [Karma: -2 (+/-)]2 comments
Friday, October 22, 2004
Someone has sent me photoshop. The next few days I will be tracking my mail to see when I get it in a random phase. I wrote a letter to someone. I never do these things these days, but in my cross of thoughts it just happened. Sue me. It's a good read. Here, enjoy.
I'm required to draw 9 pictures of some Renaissance paintings we studied in class. We can sketch out any pictures of these artists, whatever paintings they had done which we can find. This is not so much a mentally consuming task, but my eyes are hurting. Or maybe it's my head. My mother has spoken so many times that her words are reiterated into my head in some sort of vicious cycle. If the record never stops I think I can just die this way, words in my head replaying over and over of no remedial importance. It concerns me how someone can speak so much about one thing and not remember that they had stated all of it in the last second or half hour or last second of the last half hour. How can one possibly be so surprised and stunned over and over again hearing the same news? It's as if you lose your short term memory, and because you are without it you are introduced to the same people over and over again without any recollection you had met them before. But this time, it's almost as if you have to same experience over and over, and you are constantly stunned day in and day out. I know she has a short term memory. Damn it. I have to find it. Or else get her to a certified professional before her brain cells burst, or mine do.
Anyways, the point of this was.....or even if there was a point, since you did say that mayhem is a general term, I dont know how to function with so many things turned on. Lights blaring, her conscience infusing the room with incessant rambling, a little baby talking, saying "duck" every five seconds. I wish I could duck from my headaches, from the sheer insanity they are caused by! Bleh, so yeah, how do you draw these pictures anyways? I made some sketched but I'm not even sure. If there is any technique please be sure to tell me. If you get this email more than a month from it's sent date, never mind, just discard and pretend it never happened. Lol. You have a shredder anyways don't you? The things I wish I could shred...
Take care. Hope you don't mind the rambling. I would have written this in my journal, except I have completely forgotten what trail of thought I was taking.
-BC
p.s.- on the second hand i think i will post this, it might serve of some use in the future.
Posted by Cerulean @ 06:53 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]7 comments
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
I came home to a butter covered baby dressed in pancake mix. If he wanted pancakes, why didn't he just tell me?!
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:23 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]No Comments
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Yesterday, I spent the whole day in the ER hooked up to an IV. I had been having terrible stomach pains for 3 days, and could barely eat. Having not eaten anything since the morning, I couldn't eat until it was dinner time. The day was pretty interesting though. The woman who took blood for me had to stick the needle in attached to this tube that she used to take out blood, then she used an injection of intravenous fluid and flushed the blood back into my vein. She kept the tube in tact with some weird mixture of tape, which looked like some type of Physics experiment (you know the ones where you have to hold something up with tape in a design so that a marble won't fall).
What was giving me sharp pains was actually gastrointestinitis (not sure), a nasty viral infection. There was a man there who was causing a particularly interesting situation. His father was sick, and he along with someone else had brought him to the ER. I thought at first he was someone who worked in the hospital, because he was wearing gloves,and he was trying to help out a man. But it turns out, the man was his father. The father was in a horrific state. The entire side of his head was covered with blue and black and red and green and who knows how many colors. He was given haldol to reduce his confused state, and repeatedly administered adavan because he had to be sedated. The son constantly was bothering and yelling at the staff, aggravated that one thing could not be done in two seconds. What turned out to be the people he brought along were actually an immigrant staff of two who were taking care of his father. These people were like the replacement staff for the nurses, and it created confusion among the er staff members. Nobody knew whether they should go in there and help out the man, or let the staff the son brought along do it. The son was consistently asking questions "where is this, why are you doing this, can we finish this in ten minutes, why did you leave the IV and not hook it up". Because of my depression, I was extremely aware of what was going on, as we are usually thinking or observing because our minds can't shut off. I noticed he attained a lot of attention in an area where he shouldn't have, because he was essentially just a man who's father was in the er. But he had all the nurses and staff on edge with his demands and questions. At one point, he caused this big problem because his father was given a bedpan to use when he went to the bathroom, instead of a diaper. He came out and went through the entire linen closet trying to find a diaper. The people who he brought along also did this, although I don't think either of them was allowed to. And this is what was going on in the room next to me, with me witnessing this because their entrance was open to my space so they had to come out through my room. It was aggravating, amusing,and interesting all at the same time. It kept my mind off the fact that I didn't know what was happening to me or whether I was going to live, seeing as they put me in intensive care.
They also had to hook up a machine to the IV I was on, suggesting I was more dehydrated than I thought. It was kind of scary. My blood pressure was also abnormally low, and I felt extremely cold. At one point I needed to go to the bathroom, and the nurse just ripped out the tubing. I walked around with a weird piece of tube coming out of my arm. I came back and the machine went haywire, every two seconds it was on hold and kept beeping out a strange sound. The nurse kept coming in to turn it on, but it went back to hold in five minutes. At one point it came up with this "OCCL" sign and it started beating at strange intervals and I'm like going okay...The fact that the IV fluid was cold didn't help anything. Imagine cold slightly salty fluid going into your veins while your stomach is being pumped out of it's acid so that it doesn't kill it's own lining. And I tried the fluid. I was bored. Water with a bit of salt and some sugar. Nice. Doesn't fill you up though. By dinner time I ate like a wolf. I could have stayed over one night, but in hospital time sometimes that ends up into three nights, and who can sleeps with those lights and that little man with his complaints.
Posted by Cerulean @ 02:22 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 4 (+/-)]1 Comment
Thursday, October 7, 2004
Self, This is a list of your things to do which I have compiled and selflessly put here to remind you.
-Apptment w/ Trio Next Tues 3pm
-Apptment w/ Fin. Aid Next Thurs at 11am.
-Apptment w/ Gorodetskaya Wed 4pm (ask if she can write something to show school)
For future:
Find Cheryl, talk to her.
Okay Good Day.
-Cerulean
Posted by Cerulean @ 05:18 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]No Comments
Friday, September 24, 2004
This guy kept glancing over at me, and i really mean glancing me over,
at one point I was tempted to say "are you looking for my third eye or something? because it's really not on my butt"
Oh, the fun ways of turning people off.
Posted by Cerulean @ 12:33 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]3 comments
Monday, September 20, 2004
You make me feel like I have no reason to live. Dont take everything I had to give and throw it all back like it meant nothing.
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:40 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 5 (+/-)]No Comments
Saturday, September 11, 2004
I keep thinking Ill write but then I completely forget. By the time I remember again, everything is changing. I wonder what my brain waves look like. We were offered in class to do an experiment on that, one of our labs would be it, and I did not concede. I thought it would be too confidential of information to share with the class,and besides. What if I had something wrong? If they were underfunctioning, or overfunctioning, then the entire class would know. Judging from the recent blow to my head, and the medications I had all been on,it wasn't entirely unaccounted for this to happen. But now, I'm rather interested, not because of the function, but because it could make me aware of something I had never known before.Maybe my right is sending more waves and I am focusing with my cerebellum there more than I am in my left. Maybe I am some sort of prodigy when it comes to tying my hair in knots (this is only a joke) or something that only the test can make me aware of. That would be interesting. And plus, it would just be nice to see what it's like. If it comes out normal it would be a terrible relief.
But again, some part of my brain may be overfunctioning and it would be cool even to know that. So this paraphenomenon might actually occur. I can actually understand myself. BIG NEWS.
So I spent two hours in the train this Wednesday. Sitting. Doing absolutely nothing but stressing over what time the train will move and if we will make it to our destinations by the time our class or work has started. This one lady made it to work. 45 minutes late- but she made it. I, on the other hand, traveled from Brooklyn to Canal, to Whitehall back up to Canal and finally to Brooklyn again traveling to realize my class had been over and it was senseless to be in school that day considering I had only time left for one class. The one which had been over since I got off the train. If I had a detachable middle finger I'd mail it to the MTA. This is for you buddy. Anyways, I hate this weather. I'd been agitated all week because of it. I need sun. It stabilizes my brain cells. Infuse me with sun, for 25.99. Life is horribly tactful in making you do things you dont want to do at the most inoppurtune times. My keyboard is a piece of trash and my mother is spinning in a web of anger instilled by Lord only knows what. I just hope I dont crack down from my bitterness and throw something at someone...OH NO...that would be so terrible and inconsiderate of me (guffaws).
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:33 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 4 (+/-)]2 comments
Friday, September 3, 2004
There is a hurricane going to hit Florida soon. I've always wanted to secretly be a meteoroligist, simply because I'm fascinated by the weather. Currents, DNA, forensics study was always interesting to me. How weather affects our daily lives, not just sun and snow, but natural disasters. Im very afraid of natural disasters. Once or twice I've seen pictures of tidal waves and I shudder when I think about running away from a 60 foot wave of water that is going to hit me. It's not even water any more, it's like a gigantic, ferocious monster hungry to swallow up everything in it's existing path. I panic when I think of it, and in water as shallow as my bathtub sometimes I feel I'm drowning. As people we seem to make very great steps in technology, we build our houses and we have our satellite t.v., but when a storm hits, we are shedded down to the essentials. Without light, we wander for candles and if we didn't have candles we'd be trying to make fire like our ancestors did in cold caves. Without light, we'd be walking in the dark as I remember from the Blackout of 2002, I walked up a pitchblack flight of stairs wondering how blind people can move around without being able to see a thing. I walked into my house, and without my dad's flashlight he wouldn't have been able to recognize me, and even when he had one, there was still a threat was I was some stranger ready to loot him for all he had. I remember showering in the faint dusk of a flashlight turned upside down, and wondering if the water was coming out the color it should have been. Streets had no streetlights, and everyone who was on a bus took an extra risk that afternoon. They gave away free meals, sneakers, I got a donut and a muffin, because they couldn't refrigerate without electricity, or have alarms. People got clothes and shoes free when they were being rung up on the cash register and the power went out. They had their money ready to pay, but without the short ring of that register with electricity they couldn't be charged up. The weird thing is, people have never been friendlier to each other. We worked together and all devised a plan to walk home. I think I walked nearly 15 miles or more, then we found a bus and they didn't charge us fare. Some people became leaders, others supporters, but we all had a common goal, and could work to acheive it without the interference of modern technology to let us sit in it's shadow. People talked. People who hated each other, liked each other, never even knew each other began to see we had common denominators. We smiled at each other. Then our bus stops came and we wished each other good luck, and all wondered what happened to our friends for that day when we got home. We called each other up to check on each other, but some of us never talked since that day. Some of us probably wouldn't even remember each other on the street today, but two years ago this is what we had to do- come together in order to survive.
Posted by Cerulean @ 10:30 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]3 comments
Sunday, August 22, 2004
I wanted to ask everyone before the entry beginning, do you believe in ghosts?
Wow, I read my entry for yesterday and I seemed VERY confused. Man, I'm glad I dont feel that way today...I bought Krazi Glue at the 99 cent store. I'm going to put all my notebooks together, separate, add stuff, basically get them organized. Does anyone else do this? I think I'm the only one who personalizes my supplies. Sometimes I'll even make hand stitched covers, and I feel weird being the only one...but it's kinda cool when someone goes :"You made that?!!...I can't even glue anything together". I went to the playground across from my building. A lot of people generally are there in the summer and I dont go because of my anxiety. But today, my mom claimed not too many people were there, and I went based on that and stayed. There were quite a few people, but I just ignored them. I either get the sense that people are staring at me, or ignoring me because I'm not worth gazing about. It seems crazy, and senseless, but this is what goes through my head. "Are they talking about me? What is my butt too big? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! OMG, they stopped looking. Okay wait, am I that bad that they just talked about me and laughed and went on to look at somebody else?". Conclusion: Severely low self esteem, mixed with paranoia and a mild social phobia. Mmm-hmm. I said low because the people who have bad anxieties can't even walk out of the house without having a panic attack. Mine just sinks in the bottom of my head, and annoys me until I walk away from the environment I'm in. This is why my therapist says to just leave it alone, let the thoughts go away. She wants to get me to try to focus on something else. I do and it does work, but days when I am extra paranoid it's just blatantly difficult to do. I might as well stand there and scratch my ass in front of everyone like a big idiot, and that will not even exaggarate what I feel. Doing that wont help me though, it will probably make everyone laugh.
I think this partially has to do with the way my mom seems to put down everything I say or do. She doesn't do it to be mean, or berating. What we actually found out through a few psychiatrists is that she's like this because she doesn't think anything is good enough for me. She wants me to have the best but in doing this rejects many of my ideas and thoughts, making me feel dumbfounded and a sense that I'm belittled. Perhaps this is where the mingling of different identities comes in. I command whatever seems to be adaptable in the situation as my served personality. When the situation or person I'm surrounding changes, I maladapt. It seems very fickle, and in many ways it is. But to understand why I have to do this, you have to go to the root of the problem. Six years old, and threatened with your life, you do whatever you see fit in order to survive the situation. But later, it continues as an aspect of your personality, and you become scared to even think of evolving into a new person, one who respects her own thoughts or opinions. You see, when you say something to someone, you generally have a slight mind for what they might think, but this usually does not stop anyone from saying what they feel is right for themselves. With me, I was faced with the fact that if I reveal anything about my abuse, or details about my abuser, he might come to haunt and kill my family. He tried to kill me several times, so I took the threat seriously. This is why I am so uptight, and afraid to do something. I am not being abused now, nor have been for several years, but considering the type of abuse that went on at such a vulnerable age in my life, for such a duration of time, it ingrates into my mind and personality, and hence affects everything I think. This is my mission: to stop doing this. It will be a gradual process, with ups and downs, but with time I think I will be able to forget certain imprinted behaviors. It seems to have been working so far. The end of this week was just bad. I will prevail again.
Feeling: horribly ugly, but motivated to see this goes away soon.
Posted by Cerulean @ 08:05 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 2 (+/-)]3 comments
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Today has been a day in the light of progress, skeptical. Nothing has thus far been beneficial. Aggravation, irritation through slight annoyances just seems more confusing. Could be the lack of sleep, or focus on myself and my activities. Could be I havent journaled or followed my t's advice. I've kept up for the most part. But today, it seems to be a day influenced by outside things. Too much drama, advocacy of this kind or that, feeling like I own a monkey rather than having a baby brother. Indulgences...could there be too many, or possibly too few. I find myself hungry, craving food yet I can't eat. I can't tell if this is a side of anxiety, or whether my anger just is too much that it wont allow me to eat, or I am being sedated by the aftershocks of walking through the hot sun without food for a solid 16 hours.
But, I have managed to revive my site, and what's more is this layout is made in MS Paint. Someone congratulate me for being able to live through mindless mood swings and confusing symptoms, and summoning up the brainpower to do something.
Let's count how long it will take til meltdown. 1,2,3....
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:45 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]1 Comment
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