Note: New site. I hope you guys like it. I have to add in link colors and stuff, but it's pretty much a blog and will be from now on.
Entry:
I've been fretfully trying to get myself out of this misery. I may have to go to the shrink as I have been completely using every avoidance tactic in the book to sway myself away from the constant mental depravities that I feel. I feel flung, out into the open and I can't seem to handle anything. Thoughts, millions of them splurge into my neurons and captivate my mind like glowing vessicles ready to ward it off into a horizon. I'm going to do a symptom checklist:
a. constantly avoiding reality
b. perusing from one task to another
c. unsettling feeling
d. not being able to do something for long lengths of time
e. irritability
g. anhedonia
h. lack of sleep
j. uptight rigidity
k. tension headaches
l. stiffness in muscles back
Am I having anxiety or what?
My mother and I went to speak with my brother's guidance counselor on Friday. We got there at 11 when the appointment was supposed to be, after my mother's frantic panic of not being there at the time we were supposed to be there. We kept wandering around and bumping into people. She's so uptight and tense that I just dont know what to do with her. It's like the insanity and anxiety is oozing out of her. I dont know what I wish to do with this and I would I could calm down myself to be able to help her, and to do my work. I seem to be avoiding that lately. My mind is running off a lot lately and I think it might be a sign of a hypomanic induced state by the anti depressant I am taking. Maybe I am not taking enough mood stabilizers. I am going through so many situations and circumstances with people that it is shocking. I need time to be taking it in and I can't really because it feels like everything is flying over my head. It is very aggravating and annoying me. I dont know when to do what and with the constant mental stimulation that I get from my mother I could suffer a relapse and fly into some kind of astounding fallout of emotions. It happens when I dont deal with my emotions quick enough.
So today Tracy says she is a big ass fool and I remember fool as in the word for flower in my language so I think of a flower with a big ass. It was funny.
I'm not surprised to say that it is 1:30 pm and they are still talking in the kitchen. It is very aggravating. Notice the pattern of how I am constantly aggravated? I am trying to get them into family therapy as soon as possible. Especially for my mother because she needs mental therapy as she is the running household member. My dad isn't at home and he doesnt do anything except bring home the money for food. She needs to get herself together. I should go to school tomorrow, if just to get some work done. My brother hasn't been attending classes (some of this classes) for a month, so what does my dad do? He gets him a cell phone to keep tabs on him to see when he is doing what. This should be interesting. She's still yelling and she seems to be very self concerned lately. It is very bad when the main caretaker is someone who is just vying for herself. But what can you do.
She's just like a regular child. I want to go out on my own. Right now. I want to take a long walk to the bay. I might just burst. I will so burst if she says anything more to me.
