In my experience, it will always be people who have less, that understand more. People who have had great things taken away from them learn from this tragic loss, and they then move on to become better people. Even if that moving on involves something drastic. Sometimes parents will intentionally send their children off and away to different places hoping that they will come back with a sense of themselves attributing to the dynamic independence and self resolutions they had to deal with. Often times, it can result from losing someone. I want to talk about how I am losing a number of people in my life, and how I am feeling that it is all on my account.
It's been occuring for awhile, but I was just not noticing or not choosing to pick it up. My family, has been burning bridges against one another. I'm not talking the kind of bridges that you rebuild. These are hard bridges that are constructed with years of time and then sent down crumbling or being blown up viciously.
You see, in the height of my depression and my dissolute anger, I've enraged my family, causing them to be weak seeing me in such a mess. At first they took it very personally, because they didn't know what the cause of my anger was. They resolved to find out in rather extreme ways, as always is the case with my family when being led by my mom who is in essence a kind of dictator when she wants to be. So day in and day out, it was torment until I finally confessed. And then came this influx of complicated emotions that no one could possibly describe. I mean how does it do you to know that your child has almost been forced to die at the hands of one of your most trustest allies? It's contagious, and at this point the phenomenon spreads like wildfire. I find everyone everywhere who knows wants to kill him. Is this really any sort of solution? What would it do to have him dead for me? I've always realized that having him behind bars would only bore him, having him dead would only give him a clean break, an easy way out. He needs to deal for himself with what he's done, and the only person who can have control over what sort of punishment needs to be dealt is Allah/God. I dont know what I would say to someone who would kill him. In one part deep within me, I would probably be happy but also would look at them in dismay. You can't meet violence with violence, unless your life is being threatened, and that was long ago. When I was a child, violence against him would have been the proper thing for protection and other reasons, but what does violence against him now mean? It means you are the aggressor, you are striking out against him after a long time after the events occur. As I learned in social psychology, giving a swift form of punishment is the best way to make sure the perpetrator understands that he has done something wrong, and hopefully encourage him to not do it again.
But now, I've sent something into the hearts of these people, my family, a kind of rage and utter disbelief, and the trauma means they cannot deal with anything any more. They've had so many shocking things occur that either they are still in some sort of massive denial over this, or completely clueless and helpless as to what they may do. So they learn to attack each other, fostering the blame on the other so as to help themselves. But no one, truly wants to help themselves, because no one will seek help. Not my brother, who is falling to tragic pieces, or my mother, who has lost the bit of sanity in her left.
And I'm twiddling my thumbs, in effort after effort, trying to rescue them, but to my frustration, nothing speaks to them the light that needs to be shed.
So I've given in to sit and wait. Perhaps something lucky will come along. Can anyone make me a drink?
