So Dave is going to laugh at me tomorrow...I went through all that coding for the Kelly Clarkson layout and ended up taking it off. Hehe.
I was talking to Dave, and he was going on about screaming at the moon. This is what he basically said:
Dave: (peers at the moon) COME AND GET ME YOU CHEESE LOOKING MOTHER FUCKER!!
I was crawling on all fours laughing. Gosh. What a moment. Can you imagine someone saying that?? I was bawling.
I'm tired but I feel very glad I did the layout, because it's got me thinking normally again. I hate when I have a bunch of thoughts just jarring out in my system and touching them is like cutting my conscience with broken glass.
I'm needing human contact right now. Very badly. I want to talk to Elizer again, because it was very easy to talk to him. He's a biologist, so his way of interpreting the world and mine are very similar. I got a lot out of our conversations that day, and I feel glad I met him. I also met Tracy's uncle Samsook that day, and his talk was very inspiring. I realized that I dont have to be anything special, no one has to make a lot of money and create a new line of drugs or become famous. This calling, my sense of purpose, it might and can be fulfilled in my home, or anywhere else where I choose to be. I might be someone who just needs to give back to herself, her family, and just a few people. Sometimes reaching out to just a few and doing something simple can be as great as big numbers and such. I'm very very glad I went that day, and I know some part of me feels changed. I dont know why.
Speculating about how things have happened and how things turn about, it's shown me a lot about how I've fought so steadily. In even my darkest moments I had humor, and if I didn't try to get up and out of that pithole I was in, I wouldn't have. I'm proud of myself in so many ways, even though I can't appreciate myself as much as I should, I am trying to learn how to. I feel like I can learn a lot about myself through self recognition. I understand what my therapist referred to now.
I like when people open up to me. It's magical to me really. How someone can trust me so much even though they haven't really known me that well. People like to tell me things they haven't told anyone before and I am a vault full of secrets. It makes me feel very special that people trust me enough to feel they can confide in me. I have to write in this a lot more, as suggested by my therapist. As a result you will be seeing a lot more of me, if I can confide in you.
