Friday, November 18, 2011
Last night my father decided to not only hurl a plate at my mother, but break it over her. The culmination leading from last February has been a tale of ordeals. He's a cheater, a liar, a scumbag. I wish I hadn't had the misfortune of ever letting him near me...but I am his progeny by a fourth of some happenstance which rendered me to him as a daughter...you could say it was the universe. I remember the tall tale my grandfather had told me: love to others, and be kind, be kind against all odds. I sit her in remembrance today of how one tale, and one person to tell it, could impact myself in a serene sequence of ways. On the other end of impact is my father, the essence of which captivated would roll humanity into a collective grave. A tall order for my grandfather, was a short order for his wife, whom he either did not know, or had the tragic acquaintance of knowing all too well. She is scathing to his entire existence & I can see how as she's been of an equally bothersome variety to mine.
¶ 10:36 PM
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Saturday, August 13, 2005
Have you ever met a person who you thought was incredibly just shallow and hard headed?
Well I thought I met a person like this. The impression that I got from him was that he thought he could charm his way into my mind. It left an indelible impression, arrogance in a subtle form. While I was thinking the other day, I seemed to manage to admit myself that perhaps some form of me was charmed, yet I was also certainly disgusted. Perhaps arrogance in charming in it's own right sometimes, if it is used as a facade.
Well, I had this dream last night, of the same person. He carried himself in a completely different manner.
Somehow we lived in a world submerged half into the sea, with underwater trains and buildings and houses. The water was held above us with glass, and drainage was an issue. I visited this acquaintance by chance while I was seeing someone else. He was there, and without that normal would be glow of certainty in his eyes, he had a type of serene solitude, almost merciful and sincere. His eyes seemed to dance with the lights in the room, inviting a smile from many who claimed sight upon them. I hadn't ever noticed it before, something so geniune and light hearted. I was in surprisingly shocked, yet merely showed it on the outside. While my mouth wanted to gape open and stare in wonder, I just looked down and looked away.
He was a pioneer of the seas, a somewhat half merman, half lifeguard. One of the subway stations, 14 Street, had it's glass broken and the civilians on it had been washed over with the water, as it came in tons and tons. Miraculously, everyone knew the evacuation procedures. I'm guessing there was also a lot of seaguards on shift, as there were many boats about and no one came back injured. It's my dream, just fantasy.
I had been assigned for one of my Bio classes to take pictures of deep sea creatures who had utters. Not uders, utters. These segmented type limb/fins that catagorized them into a new class of animal. So I attempted to find some, and he came and took pictures with me. As soon as he had gone, the tumultuous waves hit from the broken infrastructure at the station, and he somehow managed to save me from falling into this huge crack. He let me hold onto himself, as I sat behind him, arms around his waist, while he geared the boat and led me to safety.
I searched for him that night and ate dinner with him, more intrigued and delighted than I had ever been with one person. I wondered if I had somehow been vain to have judged him before, and he touched my arm lightly, seeing how hard I was on myself. It was his way of telling me it was okay, and that I shouldnt feel guilty at all. He kept his "arrogance" or reserve as a way of disguise. It fended off people who were too involved and superficial to notice the real him. It seemed he had been hurt before, and with some fumbling in his wallet he derived a picture of a girl. She didnt see him for what he was, and honestly, I thought she had to be a fool. In finding the person with the best exteriors that are desirable, she faintly met his wonderful internal qualities, and therefore missed the whole point of this amazing person.
Towards the end, I hugged him, and I clung onto him so dearly, it felt we were converging with our hopes and fears, intertwined in this lovely mess of controversy and past heartache and sincerity that only we could see in each other.
It was a brilliant dream, one with many epiphanies that I will hold onto.
Just remember, this one person who may crawl under your skin, they may not be as they seem. They might come from the same circumstance as you, and never be given a chance because you fail to overlook their outside idiosyncrancies for something more purely internal and graspingly beautiful. ¶ 4:53 PM 1 comments
Well I thought I met a person like this. The impression that I got from him was that he thought he could charm his way into my mind. It left an indelible impression, arrogance in a subtle form. While I was thinking the other day, I seemed to manage to admit myself that perhaps some form of me was charmed, yet I was also certainly disgusted. Perhaps arrogance in charming in it's own right sometimes, if it is used as a facade.
Well, I had this dream last night, of the same person. He carried himself in a completely different manner.
Somehow we lived in a world submerged half into the sea, with underwater trains and buildings and houses. The water was held above us with glass, and drainage was an issue. I visited this acquaintance by chance while I was seeing someone else. He was there, and without that normal would be glow of certainty in his eyes, he had a type of serene solitude, almost merciful and sincere. His eyes seemed to dance with the lights in the room, inviting a smile from many who claimed sight upon them. I hadn't ever noticed it before, something so geniune and light hearted. I was in surprisingly shocked, yet merely showed it on the outside. While my mouth wanted to gape open and stare in wonder, I just looked down and looked away.
He was a pioneer of the seas, a somewhat half merman, half lifeguard. One of the subway stations, 14 Street, had it's glass broken and the civilians on it had been washed over with the water, as it came in tons and tons. Miraculously, everyone knew the evacuation procedures. I'm guessing there was also a lot of seaguards on shift, as there were many boats about and no one came back injured. It's my dream, just fantasy.
I had been assigned for one of my Bio classes to take pictures of deep sea creatures who had utters. Not uders, utters. These segmented type limb/fins that catagorized them into a new class of animal. So I attempted to find some, and he came and took pictures with me. As soon as he had gone, the tumultuous waves hit from the broken infrastructure at the station, and he somehow managed to save me from falling into this huge crack. He let me hold onto himself, as I sat behind him, arms around his waist, while he geared the boat and led me to safety.
I searched for him that night and ate dinner with him, more intrigued and delighted than I had ever been with one person. I wondered if I had somehow been vain to have judged him before, and he touched my arm lightly, seeing how hard I was on myself. It was his way of telling me it was okay, and that I shouldnt feel guilty at all. He kept his "arrogance" or reserve as a way of disguise. It fended off people who were too involved and superficial to notice the real him. It seemed he had been hurt before, and with some fumbling in his wallet he derived a picture of a girl. She didnt see him for what he was, and honestly, I thought she had to be a fool. In finding the person with the best exteriors that are desirable, she faintly met his wonderful internal qualities, and therefore missed the whole point of this amazing person.
Towards the end, I hugged him, and I clung onto him so dearly, it felt we were converging with our hopes and fears, intertwined in this lovely mess of controversy and past heartache and sincerity that only we could see in each other.
It was a brilliant dream, one with many epiphanies that I will hold onto.
Just remember, this one person who may crawl under your skin, they may not be as they seem. They might come from the same circumstance as you, and never be given a chance because you fail to overlook their outside idiosyncrancies for something more purely internal and graspingly beautiful. ¶ 4:53 PM 1 comments
Monday, July 11, 2005
Panic Mode
Out of nowhere, I felt this surge of energy inside me, tumultuous, like a violent wave breaking through my body. It felt like anger at first, coming in gradual bursts, like a whirlwind of water spinning in a circular vortex. Sucking out my sanity, all I could do was yelp as I reached for my keyboard in a frantic search for what to do as it was about to happen. I climbed on board this rocket and my eyes became fuzzy as I couldn’t see or make clear of what anyone was trying to tell me. Ideas and words both meshed simultaneously, divulging into one, like some secret massive ball. I grasped onto one sympathetic note as my chest felt about to explode with uncertainty, and faintness dispelled on me. I had rays of complex emotions breaking through my body, shaking in its entirety and leaping forth into something else. The way I felt reminded me of an exorcism, now that I look back at it.
I laid down coughing on my bed, diving my head into the pillows as I let out confused signs of pain, or something like pain. I moaned, not knowing what to do, crying and yet not being able to shed tears, hiding my tender face in the sheets as a child does during a thunderstorm when there is coming the strange and unknown. I tried breathing deeply, as my body rocked with this enigma, stretching my arms out as I felt it infiltrate my abdomen. My chest cavity felt as if it would explode, a ferocious heart beating inside of it, becoming more and more violent, as though an animal about to rip out of it’s cage. I feared for my safety, and my only thoughts told me to quiet this storm down enough to get me my Klonopin, as if my only escape.
I ran to my medicine drawer, utilizing the odd bits of strength I had left inside me. Fumbling through my things, my mind struggled with its memory for any clear recollection of what we were looking for. At this point the anger is infused with the anxiety, and my shaking is so profound. I find the Klonopin. Fuck. It’s in a plastic bag- no opening without scissors- I quickly remember the free floating tablets I leave in my bags for emergency. I head for the closet, but my chest has sank, sucking out of it all the air I had. I plunge for the doorknob, hoping to grab on in time to break my fall. I hold tight and firmly, lingering from it as my body becomes willowy and hard to manage. I sit down…pacing while I hyperventilate profusely. This is one big nightmare. My chest seems to become tight, as if the air I’m sucking in is hurting it. I lay down, trying to manage to get my head to the floor without extensive damage done. I manage to slowly lay down, without as much of a thump.
My body feels the coldness of the wooden floor, and it is refreshing to feel something solid beneath it. I press myself against the floor, hoping the hardness of it will stop my body from shaking. I plead for mercy. Whatever you are, please don’t take me. Don’t hurt me. I suck as much as I can in, and break open the closet, praying I can grab the bag with my last ounce of breath. No such luck. Where is the black bag? I knew I had two handy in there. I sink down low, my palms grasping the floor to hold me steady. I take more breaths. Gray- no- bookbag- no. Where was it? And then I remember that it may have fallen through beneath them, and I grab it and let go as my body sinks to the floor again, bag landing by my side. I’m clinging dearly to the floor again, as I pray again.
Please God, don’t take me. Whatever I did, I am so gratefully wrong. I can’t seem to summon the strength to get up, as I try to hold my arms up and raise my upper torso, but end up with enough energy to only land back down. I start coughing violently again, struggling to clear my throat of the menace stuck within it. There are scenes from movies played in my head. What would someone stuck on the floor do? Aha! Use all your body parts. I bend my leg and kick the bag in my direction, able to grab a hold of it with my hands. This, I think is the end. I can take my medication and slowly climb back down this ladder of perplexing emotion. I grab my bag and as I open the chain and stick my hand in to find the tiny little lifesavers, I can’t seem to find them. I grow ever more angry, and frustrated, feeling weak and wanting to give up.
After a few minutes, and some tentative drawbacks, I think to grab the smallest thing. I feel for it. Round- lip gloss, more roundness- lip gloss, more roundness-I curse myself for putting so many lip glosses in one bag! Look for something small and hard…says my mind. I find it. Eureka! With some breaths of relief, chest pumping hard, I lay my head back down and Thank God. I open it and let the pill dissolve in my mouth, being careful as to put it behind my tongue because of the violent coughing. I worry that it may still be too late, that the coughing will kill me. My mother will find me here choked to death on my anxiety medication. The pill dissolves in my mouth and out of the blue I realize all the coughing has made me want to urinate. Lucky me. I hope that I don’t pee in my pants.
I try to get up, and the coughing comes back. I struggle to find my way to the bathroom, my mind wary that I might fall down any moment. I sit down. After the release, I attempt to get back up slowly, needed to change my pad. I take the used one and try to wrap it but my hands are just tossing through toilet paper. I grab onto the sink. I splash cold water all over my face, rubbing my neck with it first. It feels good. I look at the face of a survivor in the mirror, my eyes glancing over the wild eyes, and the voice in me says this is enough. I look down into the faucet pool and talk to myself, wrapping my arms around me, assuring myself it would be okay, and that I am all I need. I said to myself: “you are all I have”. ¶ 11:38 AM 1 comments
Out of nowhere, I felt this surge of energy inside me, tumultuous, like a violent wave breaking through my body. It felt like anger at first, coming in gradual bursts, like a whirlwind of water spinning in a circular vortex. Sucking out my sanity, all I could do was yelp as I reached for my keyboard in a frantic search for what to do as it was about to happen. I climbed on board this rocket and my eyes became fuzzy as I couldn’t see or make clear of what anyone was trying to tell me. Ideas and words both meshed simultaneously, divulging into one, like some secret massive ball. I grasped onto one sympathetic note as my chest felt about to explode with uncertainty, and faintness dispelled on me. I had rays of complex emotions breaking through my body, shaking in its entirety and leaping forth into something else. The way I felt reminded me of an exorcism, now that I look back at it.
I laid down coughing on my bed, diving my head into the pillows as I let out confused signs of pain, or something like pain. I moaned, not knowing what to do, crying and yet not being able to shed tears, hiding my tender face in the sheets as a child does during a thunderstorm when there is coming the strange and unknown. I tried breathing deeply, as my body rocked with this enigma, stretching my arms out as I felt it infiltrate my abdomen. My chest cavity felt as if it would explode, a ferocious heart beating inside of it, becoming more and more violent, as though an animal about to rip out of it’s cage. I feared for my safety, and my only thoughts told me to quiet this storm down enough to get me my Klonopin, as if my only escape.
I ran to my medicine drawer, utilizing the odd bits of strength I had left inside me. Fumbling through my things, my mind struggled with its memory for any clear recollection of what we were looking for. At this point the anger is infused with the anxiety, and my shaking is so profound. I find the Klonopin. Fuck. It’s in a plastic bag- no opening without scissors- I quickly remember the free floating tablets I leave in my bags for emergency. I head for the closet, but my chest has sank, sucking out of it all the air I had. I plunge for the doorknob, hoping to grab on in time to break my fall. I hold tight and firmly, lingering from it as my body becomes willowy and hard to manage. I sit down…pacing while I hyperventilate profusely. This is one big nightmare. My chest seems to become tight, as if the air I’m sucking in is hurting it. I lay down, trying to manage to get my head to the floor without extensive damage done. I manage to slowly lay down, without as much of a thump.
My body feels the coldness of the wooden floor, and it is refreshing to feel something solid beneath it. I press myself against the floor, hoping the hardness of it will stop my body from shaking. I plead for mercy. Whatever you are, please don’t take me. Don’t hurt me. I suck as much as I can in, and break open the closet, praying I can grab the bag with my last ounce of breath. No such luck. Where is the black bag? I knew I had two handy in there. I sink down low, my palms grasping the floor to hold me steady. I take more breaths. Gray- no- bookbag- no. Where was it? And then I remember that it may have fallen through beneath them, and I grab it and let go as my body sinks to the floor again, bag landing by my side. I’m clinging dearly to the floor again, as I pray again.
Please God, don’t take me. Whatever I did, I am so gratefully wrong. I can’t seem to summon the strength to get up, as I try to hold my arms up and raise my upper torso, but end up with enough energy to only land back down. I start coughing violently again, struggling to clear my throat of the menace stuck within it. There are scenes from movies played in my head. What would someone stuck on the floor do? Aha! Use all your body parts. I bend my leg and kick the bag in my direction, able to grab a hold of it with my hands. This, I think is the end. I can take my medication and slowly climb back down this ladder of perplexing emotion. I grab my bag and as I open the chain and stick my hand in to find the tiny little lifesavers, I can’t seem to find them. I grow ever more angry, and frustrated, feeling weak and wanting to give up.
After a few minutes, and some tentative drawbacks, I think to grab the smallest thing. I feel for it. Round- lip gloss, more roundness- lip gloss, more roundness-I curse myself for putting so many lip glosses in one bag! Look for something small and hard…says my mind. I find it. Eureka! With some breaths of relief, chest pumping hard, I lay my head back down and Thank God. I open it and let the pill dissolve in my mouth, being careful as to put it behind my tongue because of the violent coughing. I worry that it may still be too late, that the coughing will kill me. My mother will find me here choked to death on my anxiety medication. The pill dissolves in my mouth and out of the blue I realize all the coughing has made me want to urinate. Lucky me. I hope that I don’t pee in my pants.
I try to get up, and the coughing comes back. I struggle to find my way to the bathroom, my mind wary that I might fall down any moment. I sit down. After the release, I attempt to get back up slowly, needed to change my pad. I take the used one and try to wrap it but my hands are just tossing through toilet paper. I grab onto the sink. I splash cold water all over my face, rubbing my neck with it first. It feels good. I look at the face of a survivor in the mirror, my eyes glancing over the wild eyes, and the voice in me says this is enough. I look down into the faucet pool and talk to myself, wrapping my arms around me, assuring myself it would be okay, and that I am all I need. I said to myself: “you are all I have”. ¶ 11:38 AM 1 comments
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
The good thing about a therapist-patient relationship is that most of the time the patient is seeking treatment and it makes it so much easier for the therapist because someone who would naturally want to help themselves is at least willing to cooperate. In my brother's case, I see no sort of cooperation whatsoever. The boundaries lie within his head, and he doesn't touch them. You have to move above and beyond all that you believe sometimes, in order to get effective therapy. That is to say, sometimes you have to change your outlook, and change what you believe, even if it's only in therapy. I dont believe in telling anyone the deepest darkest secrets that I bare, but in therapy I had to do that. And I pushed myself to. It's the only way to get "cured" really.
¶ 1:16 PM
1 comments
Saturday, May 28, 2005
In my experience, it will always be people who have less, that understand more. People who have had great things taken away from them learn from this tragic loss, and they then move on to become better people. Even if that moving on involves something drastic. Sometimes parents will intentionally send their children off and away to different places hoping that they will come back with a sense of themselves attributing to the dynamic independence and self resolutions they had to deal with. Often times, it can result from losing someone. I want to talk about how I am losing a number of people in my life, and how I am feeling that it is all on my account.
It's been occuring for awhile, but I was just not noticing or not choosing to pick it up. My family, has been burning bridges against one another. I'm not talking the kind of bridges that you rebuild. These are hard bridges that are constructed with years of time and then sent down crumbling or being blown up viciously.
You see, in the height of my depression and my dissolute anger, I've enraged my family, causing them to be weak seeing me in such a mess. At first they took it very personally, because they didn't know what the cause of my anger was. They resolved to find out in rather extreme ways, as always is the case with my family when being led by my mom who is in essence a kind of dictator when she wants to be. So day in and day out, it was torment until I finally confessed. And then came this influx of complicated emotions that no one could possibly describe. I mean how does it do you to know that your child has almost been forced to die at the hands of one of your most trustest allies? It's contagious, and at this point the phenomenon spreads like wildfire. I find everyone everywhere who knows wants to kill him. Is this really any sort of solution? What would it do to have him dead for me? I've always realized that having him behind bars would only bore him, having him dead would only give him a clean break, an easy way out. He needs to deal for himself with what he's done, and the only person who can have control over what sort of punishment needs to be dealt is Allah/God. I dont know what I would say to someone who would kill him. In one part deep within me, I would probably be happy but also would look at them in dismay. You can't meet violence with violence, unless your life is being threatened, and that was long ago. When I was a child, violence against him would have been the proper thing for protection and other reasons, but what does violence against him now mean? It means you are the aggressor, you are striking out against him after a long time after the events occur. As I learned in social psychology, giving a swift form of punishment is the best way to make sure the perpetrator understands that he has done something wrong, and hopefully encourage him to not do it again.
But now, I've sent something into the hearts of these people, my family, a kind of rage and utter disbelief, and the trauma means they cannot deal with anything any more. They've had so many shocking things occur that either they are still in some sort of massive denial over this, or completely clueless and helpless as to what they may do. So they learn to attack each other, fostering the blame on the other so as to help themselves. But no one, truly wants to help themselves, because no one will seek help. Not my brother, who is falling to tragic pieces, or my mother, who has lost the bit of sanity in her left.
And I'm twiddling my thumbs, in effort after effort, trying to rescue them, but to my frustration, nothing speaks to them the light that needs to be shed.
So I've given in to sit and wait. Perhaps something lucky will come along. Can anyone make me a drink? ¶ 7:39 PM 2 comments
It's been occuring for awhile, but I was just not noticing or not choosing to pick it up. My family, has been burning bridges against one another. I'm not talking the kind of bridges that you rebuild. These are hard bridges that are constructed with years of time and then sent down crumbling or being blown up viciously.
You see, in the height of my depression and my dissolute anger, I've enraged my family, causing them to be weak seeing me in such a mess. At first they took it very personally, because they didn't know what the cause of my anger was. They resolved to find out in rather extreme ways, as always is the case with my family when being led by my mom who is in essence a kind of dictator when she wants to be. So day in and day out, it was torment until I finally confessed. And then came this influx of complicated emotions that no one could possibly describe. I mean how does it do you to know that your child has almost been forced to die at the hands of one of your most trustest allies? It's contagious, and at this point the phenomenon spreads like wildfire. I find everyone everywhere who knows wants to kill him. Is this really any sort of solution? What would it do to have him dead for me? I've always realized that having him behind bars would only bore him, having him dead would only give him a clean break, an easy way out. He needs to deal for himself with what he's done, and the only person who can have control over what sort of punishment needs to be dealt is Allah/God. I dont know what I would say to someone who would kill him. In one part deep within me, I would probably be happy but also would look at them in dismay. You can't meet violence with violence, unless your life is being threatened, and that was long ago. When I was a child, violence against him would have been the proper thing for protection and other reasons, but what does violence against him now mean? It means you are the aggressor, you are striking out against him after a long time after the events occur. As I learned in social psychology, giving a swift form of punishment is the best way to make sure the perpetrator understands that he has done something wrong, and hopefully encourage him to not do it again.
But now, I've sent something into the hearts of these people, my family, a kind of rage and utter disbelief, and the trauma means they cannot deal with anything any more. They've had so many shocking things occur that either they are still in some sort of massive denial over this, or completely clueless and helpless as to what they may do. So they learn to attack each other, fostering the blame on the other so as to help themselves. But no one, truly wants to help themselves, because no one will seek help. Not my brother, who is falling to tragic pieces, or my mother, who has lost the bit of sanity in her left.
And I'm twiddling my thumbs, in effort after effort, trying to rescue them, but to my frustration, nothing speaks to them the light that needs to be shed.
So I've given in to sit and wait. Perhaps something lucky will come along. Can anyone make me a drink? ¶ 7:39 PM 2 comments
Thursday, May 26, 2005
So Dave is going to laugh at me tomorrow...I went through all that coding for the Kelly Clarkson layout and ended up taking it off. Hehe.
I was talking to Dave, and he was going on about screaming at the moon. This is what he basically said:
Dave: (peers at the moon) COME AND GET ME YOU CHEESE LOOKING MOTHER FUCKER!!
I was crawling on all fours laughing. Gosh. What a moment. Can you imagine someone saying that?? I was bawling.
I'm tired but I feel very glad I did the layout, because it's got me thinking normally again. I hate when I have a bunch of thoughts just jarring out in my system and touching them is like cutting my conscience with broken glass.
I'm needing human contact right now. Very badly. I want to talk to Elizer again, because it was very easy to talk to him. He's a biologist, so his way of interpreting the world and mine are very similar. I got a lot out of our conversations that day, and I feel glad I met him. I also met Tracy's uncle Samsook that day, and his talk was very inspiring. I realized that I dont have to be anything special, no one has to make a lot of money and create a new line of drugs or become famous. This calling, my sense of purpose, it might and can be fulfilled in my home, or anywhere else where I choose to be. I might be someone who just needs to give back to herself, her family, and just a few people. Sometimes reaching out to just a few and doing something simple can be as great as big numbers and such. I'm very very glad I went that day, and I know some part of me feels changed. I dont know why.
Speculating about how things have happened and how things turn about, it's shown me a lot about how I've fought so steadily. In even my darkest moments I had humor, and if I didn't try to get up and out of that pithole I was in, I wouldn't have. I'm proud of myself in so many ways, even though I can't appreciate myself as much as I should, I am trying to learn how to. I feel like I can learn a lot about myself through self recognition. I understand what my therapist referred to now.
I like when people open up to me. It's magical to me really. How someone can trust me so much even though they haven't really known me that well. People like to tell me things they haven't told anyone before and I am a vault full of secrets. It makes me feel very special that people trust me enough to feel they can confide in me. I have to write in this a lot more, as suggested by my therapist. As a result you will be seeing a lot more of me, if I can confide in you. ¶ 1:04 AM 3 comments
I was talking to Dave, and he was going on about screaming at the moon. This is what he basically said:
Dave: (peers at the moon) COME AND GET ME YOU CHEESE LOOKING MOTHER FUCKER!!
I was crawling on all fours laughing. Gosh. What a moment. Can you imagine someone saying that?? I was bawling.
I'm tired but I feel very glad I did the layout, because it's got me thinking normally again. I hate when I have a bunch of thoughts just jarring out in my system and touching them is like cutting my conscience with broken glass.
I'm needing human contact right now. Very badly. I want to talk to Elizer again, because it was very easy to talk to him. He's a biologist, so his way of interpreting the world and mine are very similar. I got a lot out of our conversations that day, and I feel glad I met him. I also met Tracy's uncle Samsook that day, and his talk was very inspiring. I realized that I dont have to be anything special, no one has to make a lot of money and create a new line of drugs or become famous. This calling, my sense of purpose, it might and can be fulfilled in my home, or anywhere else where I choose to be. I might be someone who just needs to give back to herself, her family, and just a few people. Sometimes reaching out to just a few and doing something simple can be as great as big numbers and such. I'm very very glad I went that day, and I know some part of me feels changed. I dont know why.
Speculating about how things have happened and how things turn about, it's shown me a lot about how I've fought so steadily. In even my darkest moments I had humor, and if I didn't try to get up and out of that pithole I was in, I wouldn't have. I'm proud of myself in so many ways, even though I can't appreciate myself as much as I should, I am trying to learn how to. I feel like I can learn a lot about myself through self recognition. I understand what my therapist referred to now.
I like when people open up to me. It's magical to me really. How someone can trust me so much even though they haven't really known me that well. People like to tell me things they haven't told anyone before and I am a vault full of secrets. It makes me feel very special that people trust me enough to feel they can confide in me. I have to write in this a lot more, as suggested by my therapist. As a result you will be seeing a lot more of me, if I can confide in you. ¶ 1:04 AM 3 comments
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
What's that song that goes "it's 3 am I must be lonely," it's 4 am I must be extra lonely. I can't sleep. I dont know why, but something just hit me like a ton of bricks. I hate when it happens. All of a sudden all your thoughts come crashing. There's so many things this little girl has to do...
I'm jumpy. Shrink says a mental breakdown is soon to come. I didnt know they could calculate these things. You, Ms B, will have a breakdown in 2.4 days and it is because of your overexerting and if you do not stop now the consequences will hit you in approximately one week. It's funny. Rather, I would ask how do I stop. I dont know how to. I have no boundaries seemingly with my family. I feel like I have to be everything to everybody, which probably started when I was very young. Oh well.
I dont know what to say about it. Shrink seems slightly irritated by it. I pity the fool who has to deal with my problems...
If you guys want to watch a very deep video, I recommend is 3 Doors Down- let me go. I love the way that video is directed, I think the timing is very on. It is basically about how someone supposedly loves someone but doesnt know them at all. You know, sometimes we are all interconnected. We dont know the hand that God lays on us until we become the people who we are.
I was on irc and this one guy keeps thinking that Eric and I are the same person and that I am doing some ip spoofing of some sort. You are crazy, little whacky man. He rolls his own cigarettes to save money and swears up and down that it isn't expensive to do. Umm right. I DONT SMOKE. But you should B, you should.
I wish I could sleep. I'm sitting here in a very funky angle, wondering how I can stretch out my back so as not to crush my kidneys.
This is all probably coming out as gibberish and I will scrap this entry. It's good to have some place to put my thoughts though. Do you know that I have given up on relationships. It just happened out of no where. I came to the conclusion that it will never be right, so why not just let it be as it is. I can't help what damage has by this person. Sometimes things happen for a reason.
Now I want to go out for a walk but it's 4 30am. I need some fresh air. It happens to be raining, and the air outside is caressing my feet and it is bliss. I love it when a cool wind breezes past my face and I can feel it's compression against my skin. It's wonderful. I feel like the wind carries everyone's secrets. I can hear someone from the next house tell their mate the darndest things, and I can hear a child's awe at learning to open a box. Simple things like this. Why am I typing. Silly fool, go to bed. I'd like to fall asleep in the arms of a loving soul. I also wish I could catch the wind. or fly with it. Let it take me where it goes. Dont you wish your mind could reboot? I need to reboot. If Jeff read this entry he would so be talking about my hypomania. Yeah YOU BUDDY. :p I love you Jeffie. It's 4 am I must be lonely...
Okay I am forcing myself to go to bed. This is useless. Sometimes I have to be firm with myself. If I had a detachable butt I would kick it and re attach it. Here's good bye for now. :P ¶ 4:14 AM 0 comments
I'm jumpy. Shrink says a mental breakdown is soon to come. I didnt know they could calculate these things. You, Ms B, will have a breakdown in 2.4 days and it is because of your overexerting and if you do not stop now the consequences will hit you in approximately one week. It's funny. Rather, I would ask how do I stop. I dont know how to. I have no boundaries seemingly with my family. I feel like I have to be everything to everybody, which probably started when I was very young. Oh well.
I dont know what to say about it. Shrink seems slightly irritated by it. I pity the fool who has to deal with my problems...
If you guys want to watch a very deep video, I recommend is 3 Doors Down- let me go. I love the way that video is directed, I think the timing is very on. It is basically about how someone supposedly loves someone but doesnt know them at all. You know, sometimes we are all interconnected. We dont know the hand that God lays on us until we become the people who we are.
I was on irc and this one guy keeps thinking that Eric and I are the same person and that I am doing some ip spoofing of some sort. You are crazy, little whacky man. He rolls his own cigarettes to save money and swears up and down that it isn't expensive to do. Umm right. I DONT SMOKE. But you should B, you should.
I wish I could sleep. I'm sitting here in a very funky angle, wondering how I can stretch out my back so as not to crush my kidneys.
This is all probably coming out as gibberish and I will scrap this entry. It's good to have some place to put my thoughts though. Do you know that I have given up on relationships. It just happened out of no where. I came to the conclusion that it will never be right, so why not just let it be as it is. I can't help what damage has by this person. Sometimes things happen for a reason.
Now I want to go out for a walk but it's 4 30am. I need some fresh air. It happens to be raining, and the air outside is caressing my feet and it is bliss. I love it when a cool wind breezes past my face and I can feel it's compression against my skin. It's wonderful. I feel like the wind carries everyone's secrets. I can hear someone from the next house tell their mate the darndest things, and I can hear a child's awe at learning to open a box. Simple things like this. Why am I typing. Silly fool, go to bed. I'd like to fall asleep in the arms of a loving soul. I also wish I could catch the wind. or fly with it. Let it take me where it goes. Dont you wish your mind could reboot? I need to reboot. If Jeff read this entry he would so be talking about my hypomania. Yeah YOU BUDDY. :p I love you Jeffie. It's 4 am I must be lonely...
Okay I am forcing myself to go to bed. This is useless. Sometimes I have to be firm with myself. If I had a detachable butt I would kick it and re attach it. Here's good bye for now. :P ¶ 4:14 AM 0 comments
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Self,
It's a saturday. Relax. ¶ 4:52 PM 0 comments
It's a saturday. Relax. ¶ 4:52 PM 0 comments
Thursday, April 21, 2005
you've cost me reality-
and im in a daze,
silently stricken with
a numbing vendetta.
you are to me everything that fate meets
beautifully ingrained
loving hands-
insightful heart.
dying roses in a vase,
could never subdue the innocence
that was lost from me.
but frightful as it is
nothing matches what
you've fervently
instilled in me.
Copyright 2005 Sirazum Islam ¶ 10:06 PM 0 comments
and im in a daze,
silently stricken with
a numbing vendetta.
you are to me everything that fate meets
beautifully ingrained
loving hands-
insightful heart.
dying roses in a vase,
could never subdue the innocence
that was lost from me.
but frightful as it is
nothing matches what
you've fervently
instilled in me.
Copyright 2005 Sirazum Islam ¶ 10:06 PM 0 comments
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Note: New site. I hope you guys like it. I have to add in link colors and stuff, but it's pretty much a blog and will be from now on.
Entry:
I've been fretfully trying to get myself out of this misery. I may have to go to the shrink as I have been completely using every avoidance tactic in the book to sway myself away from the constant mental depravities that I feel. I feel flung, out into the open and I can't seem to handle anything. Thoughts, millions of them splurge into my neurons and captivate my mind like glowing vessicles ready to ward it off into a horizon. I'm going to do a symptom checklist:
a. constantly avoiding reality
b. perusing from one task to another
c. unsettling feeling
d. not being able to do something for long lengths of time
e. irritability
g. anhedonia
h. lack of sleep
j. uptight rigidity
k. tension headaches
l. stiffness in muscles back
Am I having anxiety or what?
My mother and I went to speak with my brother's guidance counselor on Friday. We got there at 11 when the appointment was supposed to be, after my mother's frantic panic of not being there at the time we were supposed to be there. We kept wandering around and bumping into people. She's so uptight and tense that I just dont know what to do with her. It's like the insanity and anxiety is oozing out of her. I dont know what I wish to do with this and I would I could calm down myself to be able to help her, and to do my work. I seem to be avoiding that lately. My mind is running off a lot lately and I think it might be a sign of a hypomanic induced state by the anti depressant I am taking. Maybe I am not taking enough mood stabilizers. I am going through so many situations and circumstances with people that it is shocking. I need time to be taking it in and I can't really because it feels like everything is flying over my head. It is very aggravating and annoying me. I dont know when to do what and with the constant mental stimulation that I get from my mother I could suffer a relapse and fly into some kind of astounding fallout of emotions. It happens when I dont deal with my emotions quick enough.
So today Tracy says she is a big ass fool and I remember fool as in the word for flower in my language so I think of a flower with a big ass. It was funny.
I'm not surprised to say that it is 1:30 pm and they are still talking in the kitchen. It is very aggravating. Notice the pattern of how I am constantly aggravated? I am trying to get them into family therapy as soon as possible. Especially for my mother because she needs mental therapy as she is the running household member. My dad isn't at home and he doesnt do anything except bring home the money for food. She needs to get herself together. I should go to school tomorrow, if just to get some work done. My brother hasn't been attending classes (some of this classes) for a month, so what does my dad do? He gets him a cell phone to keep tabs on him to see when he is doing what. This should be interesting. She's still yelling and she seems to be very self concerned lately. It is very bad when the main caretaker is someone who is just vying for herself. But what can you do.
She's just like a regular child. I want to go out on my own. Right now. I want to take a long walk to the bay. I might just burst. I will so burst if she says anything more to me. ¶ 1:17 AM 4 comments
Entry:
I've been fretfully trying to get myself out of this misery. I may have to go to the shrink as I have been completely using every avoidance tactic in the book to sway myself away from the constant mental depravities that I feel. I feel flung, out into the open and I can't seem to handle anything. Thoughts, millions of them splurge into my neurons and captivate my mind like glowing vessicles ready to ward it off into a horizon. I'm going to do a symptom checklist:
a. constantly avoiding reality
b. perusing from one task to another
c. unsettling feeling
d. not being able to do something for long lengths of time
e. irritability
g. anhedonia
h. lack of sleep
j. uptight rigidity
k. tension headaches
l. stiffness in muscles back
Am I having anxiety or what?
My mother and I went to speak with my brother's guidance counselor on Friday. We got there at 11 when the appointment was supposed to be, after my mother's frantic panic of not being there at the time we were supposed to be there. We kept wandering around and bumping into people. She's so uptight and tense that I just dont know what to do with her. It's like the insanity and anxiety is oozing out of her. I dont know what I wish to do with this and I would I could calm down myself to be able to help her, and to do my work. I seem to be avoiding that lately. My mind is running off a lot lately and I think it might be a sign of a hypomanic induced state by the anti depressant I am taking. Maybe I am not taking enough mood stabilizers. I am going through so many situations and circumstances with people that it is shocking. I need time to be taking it in and I can't really because it feels like everything is flying over my head. It is very aggravating and annoying me. I dont know when to do what and with the constant mental stimulation that I get from my mother I could suffer a relapse and fly into some kind of astounding fallout of emotions. It happens when I dont deal with my emotions quick enough.
So today Tracy says she is a big ass fool and I remember fool as in the word for flower in my language so I think of a flower with a big ass. It was funny.
I'm not surprised to say that it is 1:30 pm and they are still talking in the kitchen. It is very aggravating. Notice the pattern of how I am constantly aggravated? I am trying to get them into family therapy as soon as possible. Especially for my mother because she needs mental therapy as she is the running household member. My dad isn't at home and he doesnt do anything except bring home the money for food. She needs to get herself together. I should go to school tomorrow, if just to get some work done. My brother hasn't been attending classes (some of this classes) for a month, so what does my dad do? He gets him a cell phone to keep tabs on him to see when he is doing what. This should be interesting. She's still yelling and she seems to be very self concerned lately. It is very bad when the main caretaker is someone who is just vying for herself. But what can you do.
She's just like a regular child. I want to go out on my own. Right now. I want to take a long walk to the bay. I might just burst. I will so burst if she says anything more to me. ¶ 1:17 AM 4 comments
Saturday, April 09, 2005
I have to make myself a list of things and organize it. I knew I should have gone to Poly today. It's still going on, this incessant debate...
Things to do: 1.Chem srcs hw - it's gonna be a hard one
2.social psychology studying and reading-
3.comparitive psych reading
4.start topics in bio presentation
later:
5.social psychology presentation
possibly on monday:
6. IN SCHOOL DEFERMENT !!! ***
"When hopes and dreams are far away and You feel like you can't face the day...
When it's over you'll breathe again"
I love Savage Garden. ¶ 2:54 PM 2 comments
Things to do: 1.Chem srcs hw - it's gonna be a hard one
2.social psychology studying and reading-
3.comparitive psych reading
4.start topics in bio presentation
later:
5.social psychology presentation
possibly on monday:
6. IN SCHOOL DEFERMENT !!! ***
"When hopes and dreams are far away and You feel like you can't face the day...
When it's over you'll breathe again"
I love Savage Garden. ¶ 2:54 PM 2 comments
Thursday, March 24, 2005
The Old Site Post Archive Post
Wednesday, March 2, 2005
My life has become too much of a pityparty for other people. I shouldn't be so concerned or delighted when they do bad or good. It just replaces my Mother-Theresa syndrome with a be-all mother syndrome. I can't be a mother to all. I have to stop fighting myself and my own health, and letting others get in the way of doing what is best for myself.
Ive been doing some work, and it's coming along. For those of you who dont know Ive been having a terribly rough time since I got on some new meds, and I think they are making my brain convoluted. That and having everyone stressed around me doesn't help. I think I should take a step back. People rely on me too much. I dont know what I want to do with myself career wise, but I hope I can pick something good. I feel like I am wasting time too much doing things that are not necessary for me and dont help me out much. They probably detiorate my health as well. So, I am going to forget everyone's problems. I dont need to be dealing with them. I should be dealing with my own. I always consider myself selfish, because I am very afraid to be so. But I have realized, that there are some people in my life who are selfish. Who tend to use me for something and never give back in return. Who aren't there for me but always find me when they need me. I should let go of these people. It is not worth my time or energy to try to help people, especially those who are going to isolate me in my time of need. It's just been very emotionally hectic. I dont need to bother with anyone.
I feel highly convoluted. Like too much is piling up and I dont know what to do with it. I did a lot of tasks that I was afraid to do. Even something so simple as paying my bills. I payed for my credit card bills and I need to cancel them as soon as the balance is zero. These are express credit lines for gap and macys and I dont need them to accrue a whole bunch of interest or whatever crap is used. They are charging me 25 dollars for a late fee because I havent paid my gap bill within the month. I mean what is that? So you make money off the fact that I'm a student and also mentally uncapable of doing many things on time because of my illnesses. I dont think so. That had me very angry, because I should have been able to say no. But for some reason it has been hard for me to say that lately. I feel like I am going to say no and do something wrong...like it just feels wrong. I'm thinking it had to do with my amount of suppression Ive been dealing with lately. I have to bring this up with my therapist.
It's when they just assume everything about me is wrong, and criticize me, that I am doing worse. They know what my condition is, and I know what my condition is. You can't blame me for not helping you when I can't help you. When it is physically and mentally impossible for me to do so. You are risking my getting worse and faltering because you put this incredible amount of guilt on me for not helping set the table or something so insignificant but I feel inadequate. Is that what you want? Is this what helps you get through the day? Beating up a depressed girl in her mind and making her mentally rethink everything she does and discredit herself for all the good she does in her life? And discredit herself from thinking of whatever is right with her to be not right. It's just wrong. My head is going to explode. I am tired of being laughed at. "hahahah she cannot do anything," "hahaha she is so incapable,"
"oh she's just a big baby". Why dont you go and fuck yourself off. Really. That is what you really need to do.
Posted by Cerulean @ 03:05 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]3 comments
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Reminders...
1. pay off Gap bill
2. pay Macy's bill (ask for dads credit card)
3. call to see if loan came through for teri
4. check out what is going on with citibank (why do they want you to make payments, ask Gorodetskaya what you should do about the delinquency)
wtf i am so seriously annoyed...didnt take my medication one night and then took it in the morning but im still peeved. slept the whole day away and then something must have happened to piss me off. my dad speaks to me in this tone as if im a two year old. he acts as if i do this on purpose. im not a bum. i dont intend to miss things and do such. it is because i am mentally ill that i can't factor doing some things. it is hard as it is and when people make the assumption that you're not doing it because you want to, it makes it even harder.
i want to shred something. too bad i dont have a shredder, a lot of documents would be gone by now.
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:31 AM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
So today I have this weird assignment to do for Social Psych course. I have to find my daily horoscope, and relate which events in my day are confirming my horoscope and which are not. This is very weird, I dont have time for this and it sounds relatively ridiculous, but I have to do it. Lately I havent liked paying attention to me, so I just try to distract myself. Now this means I have to take a good look at me. It should be refreshing.
I fell asleep yesterday after battling an utter rage of emotions, and then zapped all my energy with medications. Tired from it all, I couldn't grasp the one thing that made me breathe. I had to be alive, I still have to be alive. As my shrink puts it, there is nothing else to do. I was frozen in all my fears and just slammed down on the pillows and went to bed, after talking to a few friends. Friends today keep me alive. My friends have always been good, but now I feel like sharing more with them and they really help me get through the day.
Rising Sign Horoscope
Sirazum
Sun Sign: Aquarius
Rising Sign: Aquarius
edit delete profile
February 16, 2005
At this time, you might find yourself taking a good long look at your available talents and skills, as opposed to untrained ones that you might want to explore. You might also find yourself re-evaluating your attitudes about money. Mercury retrograde at this time causes a powerful focus on your usable resources - whether they be skills or talents, connections, or disposable income. You might also make some decisions regarding future pursuit or disposition of wealth.
So I have to make a few adjustments. The new medication I have has a possible side effect of a deadly rash appearing after week two. Hahahahaha, This was the most amusing thing to me that day. Imagine, dying from a deadly rash. Rashes are something that just itch and come and go...but being fatal...wow. That is some mighty rash. I should stop. I might just die out of vengence for making fun of the rash....
Wheee....
I looked at the mirror this morning and my face felt pretty. Ive always thought I looked like a cartoon character and I wasn't the first to think so. Someone (a teacher) once said I look like a comic book character. I just looked at him with a you-are-kidding me glance. But I get it. Why I look like one, I dont know. I want to be a comic book character. :)
Posted by Cerulean @ 12:24 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Monday, February 14, 2005
My dear lovely readers,
I just wanted to say I love you lots. You are all so great to me. Those of you who reach out to me when I am in a time of need or just talk to me and catch up with what is going on are great!
To my friends:
Oh God I dont know what I'd do without you all! Every one of you is special to me. I'd done some things in the past which Im not too fond of, and had a hard time getting through this depression which I am still going through. Thanks for being there for me along the way. Your loyalty and support and givingness shows me what great people you all are. With each of your personal charms, I know you will go far. You are great in everyday life no matter what you do. Your dedication and good will will take you all to splendid places, I promise. :)
Hugs, love and kisses (however you like em);
:P
Posted by Cerulean @ 03:52 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]2 comments
Friday, February 11, 2005
Boy it's been an emotional day. Have you ever had the feeling where you thought you knew someone but turns out the person turned out to be something so different....well that is what Im going through with a lot of people. Not necessarily a good thing. I guess maybe I expected more...or just something along decent lines. Let me tell you about something sort of related.
There is this relative who has come from my country maybe a year or two ago. Already she's been working twelve hours a day and getting only about 30 dollars for it. She's only got a visa, and she doesn't speak english well. It's broken. Her daughter, who also moved with her as a family (including a son and a husband too) was put into special ed, as a result of her english/grammar problems. So this is what she tells relatives back in the country: "I work 3 hours a day and I get 1000 dollars a month..oh yes my daughter is doing extremely well in school. She has received awards here and is a great student getting all A's...." Top notch student in special ed. Well okay. The thing is, back home the girl was a mediocre student and they usually are aware of who is prodigious and who is not. So now everyone thinks that US education is a piece of cake over there, thereby demeaning all my accomplishments down to a "oh yea everyone can do it." I dont expect a slew of compliments from everyone for everything I do well. But the fact that I work hard and now people think it is something easy and that anyone can do it is bothering me. She also made my mother look bad by saying that my mother has never worked in this country, but alas...she doesn't need to because my dad can actually support all of us and my mom wants to actually be there for her kids. Excuse us for not rushing off into the workforce. She brags and shows off and although this type of thing is usual for my country, over here it makes you look very very shallow. I have no respect for you any more. You dont even have the decency to hold your own ground based on the truth.
Another relative of mine is coming from my country and he works in information technology. He is an Oracle certified professional (i know someone is going whatever that means) and has gotten calls from all over the country for permanent positions and even a call from Silicon Valley! Talk about impressive. So you see, I never really know what to deal with because things thrown at my way are always from opposite ends of the spectrum. Who says I dont have variety in my life.
Posted by Cerulean @ 07:49 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]No Comments
Friday, February 4, 2005
In anticipation of Valentines Day I have made a new layout. It's something that I have made after a long time that I've actually liked. My repressed anger that is coming out makes me come up with hideous pictures in a fit of rage. It's like destruction of beauty or something. I do feel better afterwards, but this means that there is nothing to show for all the time I've dabbled with Photoshop in the last four weeks. Except maybe this.
Tonight is a friday night and I was invited for 3 different gatherings. My friend Tracy invited me to come to her house, another friend asked me to join him to play pool, and yet another group of people are celebrating some issue or nonissue thereof. I, being the hermit that I am transcending into, have chosen to sit at home and write and maybe issue a draft or two to the silly people online about how I am feeling or doing, sitting at home. It's easier for me to pretend I dont exist by putting all my efforts into something virtual. I groan at the thought of spending time with someone, be it anyone, because it is hard for me to convey my emotions so I just chat online, where it is easier for me to break down thought patterns and write about them in small sentences not having to explain something. If given a request for an explanation I have the proper time without the nuisances of smiling or shall we say comforting and other things that I tend to do. Becoming invisible is a bad thing.
Lately Ive been feeling that urge to just be deterred from everything. I sleep and sleep is my comfort but even in sleep I am sought an anxious wreck. I am consumed by billing methods and registration problems that in all it's entirety have caused me to become specifically isolated and indifferent towards things. It's not even a fact to say I am indifferent, I am only indifferent outwardly when I become divulged and tending to my anxieties. I have a fear of the outside world, the unknown, and staying at home masks that. I hope anyone can leave me comments on the layout, as I am a bit drained and have felt accomplished in very few instances regarding web design as of late. I dont know why I'm talking like this, or typing in this tone, usually I just speak well mannerdly but also in a normal tone but now this is just some sort of formality. Typing that is. It's so hard for me to crack open my soul on a text online.
But I do it anyways. I hope no one is worried. I hate worrying people. I hope people care, although I'm sure I know they do. Sometimes you have to feel rather than just know.
My laptop pisses me off sometimes. That is about it. :)
Posted by Cerulean @ 08:46 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]3 comments
Sunday, January 23, 2005
It's a rather cross day. The weather is on it's own charade and it wants to be friends with the wind and the frozen sentimental chills of this storm. I sit in my room amused at it's existence, hoping tomorrow will never come. It is evasive. I have no crystal ball to ask and my memories have been shattered to a millions so I can't ask myself.
I hear the screams of a mighty two and a half year old leaper of beds, who claims to ask for help every time his tantrums are not answered. It's more of a "hawp hawp" instead of a "healp" but what can you say to someone who barely is intuitive of the english language. Hush therefore child, and I am listening to the wind and the heat and the chopping of vegetables in this odd tranced state I am in. My brain feels immensely itchy at it's core. I wish I could scratch something like it I could go on and on with a pencil striking my scalp but nothing will help. I wonder of the word zombified makes any sense.
Yesterday I took two pills of the Risperdal, and went back to my regular old schedule of pills. I had one - the neurontin which made me feel so much as if I were stoned I didnt know what to say or do but to stare at things. One single thought seemed so immense that I could not move, nor talk, and my reaction time descreased by what seems to be light years. I can see things happening, I just cannot react. I think the messages get misconstrued in my head so I am using this to the best of my ability to acknowledge that I am in fact going crazy in some forms. I am getting better yet going crazy. It happens. You break your leg and then you splurge energy and into getting it better until you lose balance and hurt it again. It's a continuum and it's very hard for me to see the light at either terminal when I am so lost I want to be shaking and losing my skins and turning into many forms so exchanging my being. Someone should massage my neurons should they work any better, and or faster...maybe faster. Or just work. damn you work.
Posted by Cerulean @ 07:46 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
For lack of complete updates for a while, I'd like to say, I WAS thinking about you. :P
My site to me is something I work with from time to time, so I feel no regrets when I am gone. I actually thought about what I was going to do with this site and stuff, and I want people's opinions. I know there are some that check it regularly. I think I'm going to add a skins sections, or themes, which is all like glamourous! Wooo yay for coffee and me not being able to sleep. I had a wonderful time in the break off, got to see some people I havent seen in a while. It's all good. I went shopping which is a big plus considering there was nothing in my wadrobe I could wear. I experienced great new music, from different people and even met someone from abroad online who I can totally relate to. Einar, if you're reading, hello :).
So, the best thing thus far is having time to relax. My grades are up, and it turns to be good. Which was to me, astonishing. I know I put in effort but I didn't expect for it to come through. I'm going to add a me section to the site to, which some random information about me yall didnt even need to discover.
This layout has to do with transformation but I have another layout which is going to be up too,
http://be.sweet-muse.org/prettygirllayout.jpg if anyone wants to take a peek. Ugh, we went shopping for shoes today and I am just so tired but the caffeine wont do me in. sooo you're probably tired of this incessant rambling. I just wanted to share my happiness. ::spreads seeds of joy::
:) ;) :P.
Posted by Cerulean @ 01:53 AM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Thursday, January 6, 2005
To do List:
-Make doctor appointment
-Go to Poly to pick up Tap Application*
-Pick up Jacobs Scholarship Application
-Fill out Tap Application and send it back in to school or place*
*ASAP
That's it.
Posted by Cerulean @ 03:02 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]2 comments
Thursday, December 30, 2004
I went to the bay today. It was nice and warm out this morning from the sun being up and someone had thrown a bunch of loaves of bread out to feed the birds. The ducks and seagulls had formed a mass around the loaves while some of were playing in the water. They huddled each other for the food and splashed in this way that made me think of relatives and family. It was one big community and the people fought for resources, but in the end children played and people fed themselves and enjoyed a good time underneath the sun. I was stunned, stood there for a while watching these innocent creatures so endured by a hard winter, but life for them was good. A little kindness goes a long way. I thought of the person who had the generousity to give away such big loaves of bread, probably a nearby restaurant but it was no less kind. If people thought about other creatures all the time like this imagine where we'd be.
This led me to a thought...."We have to appreciate the beauty around us and stop to breathe the air in once in a while sometimes without letting any other things bother us."
Some people who were walking by stopped and watched with me, and from the corner of my eye I observed them. It's odd when people actually stop by to see a scene like this in New York, because people are usually busy being bristled by their high paced lifestyles.
I saw a police officer on a horse too. I guess I had my share of seeing animals for the day. Someof the beautiful swans even came out to play.They look brand new in their winter coats, as if ready for the sun whenever it starts to be a little less frigid. And sometimes we miss these things, while we are busy doing something else.
Posted by Cerulean @ 08:18 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]2 comments
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Things to do on Christmas Day:
do the laundry (no one does it on christmas day machines are free!!)
buy some gifts for friends
wrap up gifts for the superintendent and the security guard
personally hand gifts to them
photocopy invoice from Gateway
write email to Khalu about chain
I think I'm going to be starting with the last one. I dont celebrate Christmas, for those of you who don't know, because I'm not Christian. But Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you.
Posted by Cerulean @ 02:35 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]1 Comment
Thursday, December 23, 2004
I hate when my mom asks me open ended subjective questions. It's not even like they're supposed to have an answer anyways. "Why are you talking to her? Oh Okay so why are you doing that? Who are you writing an entry to? What is the point of this?" What gets me most mad however, is when she thinks she can decide what I enjoy doing. Some parents will never learn. We are not just children any more. She wants me to enjoy doing what she does just so I can talk to her about it. She wants me to be like her best friend and her clone or something. It's madness. If she wanted someone to be so much like her, why didnt she clone herself instead of having a baby? It's detrimental when parents suffocate you so much. You have some kids who's parents just dont let them be, and some parents who are never around. I think acceptance is something so hard to gain or search for. Does anyone feel like they have well balanced parents?
This week was an up and down emotional whirlwind. I get high and then I come crashing down. Times like these make me contemplate the possibility of my being bi polar. Not like it would be the best thing if I was but it just makes me think you know, maybe if they could get a clear picture of what is wrong they could treat me better. Maybe I should take more mood s's? Wouldn't that just make me more of a turkey though. I dont think eating tubs of lard could make me as fat as these medications do. I'm just feeling so iffy...for lack of a better term. I wish some days I would wake up and be carefree and numb to it all but I can't, so I will try my best to do what I can. I hate people expecting me to be sunshine all the time, or not to go through up and down phases. If life was so wonderful it would be wonderful for me not you and even you have your hard times. Everyone goes through it. Don't pity me because I am not less or more than you. I'm human. I need to feel more like a human and less like an emotional yoyo.
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:20 PM CST [Link] [Karma: -1 (+/-)]1 Comment
Friday, December 17, 2004
You know what I want? I want you.
Wrapped up in velvet, snuggling up in a chair here. I want your mind opened to me, like Pandora's box. So many wrongs twisting up into a right, for if you dont do this no one will.
I want your lips to press themselves against my bathed soul, buttered in innocence. I want you to fathom days when I could be holier than your life and your tightening ambitions have ever been.
And I want you to hold me, when days are cold, sadness strikes, and these tears are all I can give to a crystal pristine existence.
If I gave you my heart, would you take the pieces and burn them, like hunters do on missions to stray from their young all the while never realized their answers were instilled in them? Have you broken an oath, caused a wound, or touched my heart with your fingers and found it too dry to meddle with?
Is it too slimy, do your fingers get stuck in the kinks of my reality, does it bite you like teeth and spit you out like fire? And do you ever burn for your memories, deposited with figments of dust, clouding up your midnight dreams.
I want you here with me, and if I could take you, hold you on my skin and make everything in the world stop turning forever. I would. It's so destructive, but I would. For you are the only thing I've ever felt close to eternity, sins apast, filtered delusion reeking wide, skinny smiles on my shining teeth.
Baby, all I want is you.
This is more like a piece by me than anything. It's about something I want. and it just decided to come out that way.
Copyright 2004, S. Islam
Posted by Cerulean @ 07:07 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]2 comments
Saturday, December 11, 2004
I have put a new layout up. Between the madness of the ending semester and upcoming finals, this is what I came up with. It represents that time period. I thought it was suitable. It's not killer, but eh something that works. I want to do the cities layout so badly. I ordered a laptop, and it's coming the 16th or before. Then I can hop on the bandwagon of sanity and express my emotions clearly.
There havent been any more changes to the site. I work slowly, so yeah. If any one of you who periodically check the site without comments, would like to see something on it, COMMENT! blahahaha.
I got a B in art history. That is a relief for me, considering that my grade started out as a C+ because of factored in stomach virus and sick days. I tried my best and I did put in effort, I was glad to find a class where I could be creative with some things. My schedule is done, ready and fixed, but I'm wondering if I'm going to keep up with the 16 credits. Taking too many credits I think cheapens the whole experience.
There's a whole war zone going on at home. Brother comes home, mom attacks brother, bitter verbal warfare ensues. I think the baby handles it pretty well. He slams the door and goes about his own, daintily walking and laughing and giggling to himself. It such a pretty site to see. He's kind of like a fairy, has his own way of making things seem so intriguing. Except now he takes me hostage into the bedroom. I dont know whether it's simply the fact that he enjoys my company or he wants me to stay clear of the benevolent path, but every time I get up to leave the room he pushes me back into my seat. It's rather funny too. He walks by the door and shuts it and crosses his little arms and looks at me sternly. "NO WHY?" says his little mouth. He glares at me with this proposterous look, as if I am crazy to even contemplate the outcome.
I managed to go to the MOMA for this project I had done and he appeared in my mind several times when I thought of who the artists could be. He draws these weird sketches, this 2 and a 1/2 year old. He doesn't sign his name on them or anything, but I could see him signing his name on them with a massive purple marker. Creating these warped fishes, and strange people. He gets the smily faces down pat, and they look so cute, but their body equivalents are just astonishing. They're out of place, but they seem to look real like some warped cartoon. I guess you really have to see this to believe it yourself. But I parallel his work for a two year old, with Picasso's work for a seventy year old. At two he's doing unbelievable stuff, and I cannot imagine what he would be doing when full grown.
This is my perception of it. I have a vivid mind when it comes to these things, especially when one can create in an environment so loud and obnoxious.
It's totally toxifying. The only way I can explain it. I need some baby madness. He's sleeping by the way. I love talking to him as if he is a full grown adult, he answers the questions and pretends to carry on a conversation with me as if we were fully indulged in one. And then he starts running circles around me, and I remember he is only a wee bit of a tiny child.
A child who can grow up to do many things.
We were all this child once. Even if we can never imagine it so.
I completely forgot what I was saying but nonetheless, now you have an entry. :)
Posted by Cerulean @ 10:09 AM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]7 comments
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
I have graffiti on my arms.
My baby brother thought I was a canvas.
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:19 PM CST [Link] [Karma: -2 (+/-)]3 comments
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Long awaited entry....how oddly I splurge onto this. I hadn't been updating due to the recent rather enjoyment of the livejournal, which was invented only to put me on hold from this site. The sentiment behind that I will explain later.
So beyond schoolwork and masses of my subconcious that drain away worrying for these grades, I have come up with many conclusions. I'm a battlefield, and I cannot be trusted with holding my future in my own two hands. I am constantly running back and forth among bases. What if I spilled my future? My gosh, what if I dropped it in the wrong time and place? That is what panic is about. But thankfully my doctor gave me these wonderful pills that dissolve quietly on my tongue. After 20 minutes, I am fine.
.....That is the miracle of modern medicine!
People have been fickle lately, and as an observer I'm quite overjoyous. Watching people blunder up their friendships and lives is amusing to me. Perhaps I am more sadistic than I thought. Being on receiving end of this hurts so much though. It almost makes me want to rip up all my friendships, for fear that I will be hurt again. So I quietly sink into an internal personality, while presenting to the world a menaced perfection.
Bugs make me jump.
I went nuts yesterday, in the office callously laughing at everything I heard. It was ammunition from caring too long that I just stopped caring. It happens. People think you care all the time when you're this depressed and insane, but it doesn't happen. If you cared all the time you'd be an emotional timebomb.
Anywho....
I'm going to refrain from adding anything else because I must continue with my new baby : http://be.sweet-muse.org/arthistory.html
It is an art history presentation/project, but it is taking a bit of time and effort as I do love to dabble in art. Leave any comments about what you think of the layout. It'd be much appreciated. I can even mail you a cookie, but I dont think it's good to have Fed Ex mail me back the crumbs. :P
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:17 AM CST [Link] [Karma: -2 (+/-)]2 comments
Friday, October 22, 2004
Someone has sent me photoshop. The next few days I will be tracking my mail to see when I get it in a random phase. I wrote a letter to someone. I never do these things these days, but in my cross of thoughts it just happened. Sue me. It's a good read. Here, enjoy.
I'm required to draw 9 pictures of some Renaissance paintings we studied in class. We can sketch out any pictures of these artists, whatever paintings they had done which we can find. This is not so much a mentally consuming task, but my eyes are hurting. Or maybe it's my head. My mother has spoken so many times that her words are reiterated into my head in some sort of vicious cycle. If the record never stops I think I can just die this way, words in my head replaying over and over of no remedial importance. It concerns me how someone can speak so much about one thing and not remember that they had stated all of it in the last second or half hour or last second of the last half hour. How can one possibly be so surprised and stunned over and over again hearing the same news? It's as if you lose your short term memory, and because you are without it you are introduced to the same people over and over again without any recollection you had met them before. But this time, it's almost as if you have to same experience over and over, and you are constantly stunned day in and day out. I know she has a short term memory. Damn it. I have to find it. Or else get her to a certified professional before her brain cells burst, or mine do.
Anyways, the point of this was.....or even if there was a point, since you did say that mayhem is a general term, I dont know how to function with so many things turned on. Lights blaring, her conscience infusing the room with incessant rambling, a little baby talking, saying "duck" every five seconds. I wish I could duck from my headaches, from the sheer insanity they are caused by! Bleh, so yeah, how do you draw these pictures anyways? I made some sketched but I'm not even sure. If there is any technique please be sure to tell me. If you get this email more than a month from it's sent date, never mind, just discard and pretend it never happened. Lol. You have a shredder anyways don't you? The things I wish I could shred...
Take care. Hope you don't mind the rambling. I would have written this in my journal, except I have completely forgotten what trail of thought I was taking.
-BC
p.s.- on the second hand i think i will post this, it might serve of some use in the future.
Posted by Cerulean @ 06:53 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]7 comments
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
I came home to a butter covered baby dressed in pancake mix. If he wanted pancakes, why didn't he just tell me?!
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:23 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]No Comments
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Yesterday, I spent the whole day in the ER hooked up to an IV. I had been having terrible stomach pains for 3 days, and could barely eat. Having not eaten anything since the morning, I couldn't eat until it was dinner time. The day was pretty interesting though. The woman who took blood for me had to stick the needle in attached to this tube that she used to take out blood, then she used an injection of intravenous fluid and flushed the blood back into my vein. She kept the tube in tact with some weird mixture of tape, which looked like some type of Physics experiment (you know the ones where you have to hold something up with tape in a design so that a marble won't fall).
What was giving me sharp pains was actually gastrointestinitis (not sure), a nasty viral infection. There was a man there who was causing a particularly interesting situation. His father was sick, and he along with someone else had brought him to the ER. I thought at first he was someone who worked in the hospital, because he was wearing gloves,and he was trying to help out a man. But it turns out, the man was his father. The father was in a horrific state. The entire side of his head was covered with blue and black and red and green and who knows how many colors. He was given haldol to reduce his confused state, and repeatedly administered adavan because he had to be sedated. The son constantly was bothering and yelling at the staff, aggravated that one thing could not be done in two seconds. What turned out to be the people he brought along were actually an immigrant staff of two who were taking care of his father. These people were like the replacement staff for the nurses, and it created confusion among the er staff members. Nobody knew whether they should go in there and help out the man, or let the staff the son brought along do it. The son was consistently asking questions "where is this, why are you doing this, can we finish this in ten minutes, why did you leave the IV and not hook it up". Because of my depression, I was extremely aware of what was going on, as we are usually thinking or observing because our minds can't shut off. I noticed he attained a lot of attention in an area where he shouldn't have, because he was essentially just a man who's father was in the er. But he had all the nurses and staff on edge with his demands and questions. At one point, he caused this big problem because his father was given a bedpan to use when he went to the bathroom, instead of a diaper. He came out and went through the entire linen closet trying to find a diaper. The people who he brought along also did this, although I don't think either of them was allowed to. And this is what was going on in the room next to me, with me witnessing this because their entrance was open to my space so they had to come out through my room. It was aggravating, amusing,and interesting all at the same time. It kept my mind off the fact that I didn't know what was happening to me or whether I was going to live, seeing as they put me in intensive care.
They also had to hook up a machine to the IV I was on, suggesting I was more dehydrated than I thought. It was kind of scary. My blood pressure was also abnormally low, and I felt extremely cold. At one point I needed to go to the bathroom, and the nurse just ripped out the tubing. I walked around with a weird piece of tube coming out of my arm. I came back and the machine went haywire, every two seconds it was on hold and kept beeping out a strange sound. The nurse kept coming in to turn it on, but it went back to hold in five minutes. At one point it came up with this "OCCL" sign and it started beating at strange intervals and I'm like going okay...The fact that the IV fluid was cold didn't help anything. Imagine cold slightly salty fluid going into your veins while your stomach is being pumped out of it's acid so that it doesn't kill it's own lining. And I tried the fluid. I was bored. Water with a bit of salt and some sugar. Nice. Doesn't fill you up though. By dinner time I ate like a wolf. I could have stayed over one night, but in hospital time sometimes that ends up into three nights, and who can sleeps with those lights and that little man with his complaints.
Posted by Cerulean @ 02:22 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 4 (+/-)]1 Comment
Thursday, October 7, 2004
Self, This is a list of your things to do which I have compiled and selflessly put here to remind you.
-Apptment w/ Trio Next Tues 3pm
-Apptment w/ Fin. Aid Next Thurs at 11am.
-Apptment w/ Gorodetskaya Wed 4pm (ask if she can write something to show school)
For future:
Find Cheryl, talk to her.
Okay Good Day.
-Cerulean
Posted by Cerulean @ 05:18 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]No Comments
Friday, September 24, 2004
This guy kept glancing over at me, and i really mean glancing me over,
at one point I was tempted to say "are you looking for my third eye or something? because it's really not on my butt"
Oh, the fun ways of turning people off.
Posted by Cerulean @ 12:33 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]3 comments
Monday, September 20, 2004
You make me feel like I have no reason to live. Dont take everything I had to give and throw it all back like it meant nothing.
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:40 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 5 (+/-)]No Comments
Saturday, September 11, 2004
I keep thinking Ill write but then I completely forget. By the time I remember again, everything is changing. I wonder what my brain waves look like. We were offered in class to do an experiment on that, one of our labs would be it, and I did not concede. I thought it would be too confidential of information to share with the class,and besides. What if I had something wrong? If they were underfunctioning, or overfunctioning, then the entire class would know. Judging from the recent blow to my head, and the medications I had all been on,it wasn't entirely unaccounted for this to happen. But now, I'm rather interested, not because of the function, but because it could make me aware of something I had never known before.Maybe my right is sending more waves and I am focusing with my cerebellum there more than I am in my left. Maybe I am some sort of prodigy when it comes to tying my hair in knots (this is only a joke) or something that only the test can make me aware of. That would be interesting. And plus, it would just be nice to see what it's like. If it comes out normal it would be a terrible relief.
But again, some part of my brain may be overfunctioning and it would be cool even to know that. So this paraphenomenon might actually occur. I can actually understand myself. BIG NEWS.
So I spent two hours in the train this Wednesday. Sitting. Doing absolutely nothing but stressing over what time the train will move and if we will make it to our destinations by the time our class or work has started. This one lady made it to work. 45 minutes late- but she made it. I, on the other hand, traveled from Brooklyn to Canal, to Whitehall back up to Canal and finally to Brooklyn again traveling to realize my class had been over and it was senseless to be in school that day considering I had only time left for one class. The one which had been over since I got off the train. If I had a detachable middle finger I'd mail it to the MTA. This is for you buddy. Anyways, I hate this weather. I'd been agitated all week because of it. I need sun. It stabilizes my brain cells. Infuse me with sun, for 25.99. Life is horribly tactful in making you do things you dont want to do at the most inoppurtune times. My keyboard is a piece of trash and my mother is spinning in a web of anger instilled by Lord only knows what. I just hope I dont crack down from my bitterness and throw something at someone...OH NO...that would be so terrible and inconsiderate of me (guffaws).
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:33 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 4 (+/-)]2 comments
Friday, September 3, 2004
There is a hurricane going to hit Florida soon. I've always wanted to secretly be a meteoroligist, simply because I'm fascinated by the weather. Currents, DNA, forensics study was always interesting to me. How weather affects our daily lives, not just sun and snow, but natural disasters. Im very afraid of natural disasters. Once or twice I've seen pictures of tidal waves and I shudder when I think about running away from a 60 foot wave of water that is going to hit me. It's not even water any more, it's like a gigantic, ferocious monster hungry to swallow up everything in it's existing path. I panic when I think of it, and in water as shallow as my bathtub sometimes I feel I'm drowning. As people we seem to make very great steps in technology, we build our houses and we have our satellite t.v., but when a storm hits, we are shedded down to the essentials. Without light, we wander for candles and if we didn't have candles we'd be trying to make fire like our ancestors did in cold caves. Without light, we'd be walking in the dark as I remember from the Blackout of 2002, I walked up a pitchblack flight of stairs wondering how blind people can move around without being able to see a thing. I walked into my house, and without my dad's flashlight he wouldn't have been able to recognize me, and even when he had one, there was still a threat was I was some stranger ready to loot him for all he had. I remember showering in the faint dusk of a flashlight turned upside down, and wondering if the water was coming out the color it should have been. Streets had no streetlights, and everyone who was on a bus took an extra risk that afternoon. They gave away free meals, sneakers, I got a donut and a muffin, because they couldn't refrigerate without electricity, or have alarms. People got clothes and shoes free when they were being rung up on the cash register and the power went out. They had their money ready to pay, but without the short ring of that register with electricity they couldn't be charged up. The weird thing is, people have never been friendlier to each other. We worked together and all devised a plan to walk home. I think I walked nearly 15 miles or more, then we found a bus and they didn't charge us fare. Some people became leaders, others supporters, but we all had a common goal, and could work to acheive it without the interference of modern technology to let us sit in it's shadow. People talked. People who hated each other, liked each other, never even knew each other began to see we had common denominators. We smiled at each other. Then our bus stops came and we wished each other good luck, and all wondered what happened to our friends for that day when we got home. We called each other up to check on each other, but some of us never talked since that day. Some of us probably wouldn't even remember each other on the street today, but two years ago this is what we had to do- come together in order to survive.
Posted by Cerulean @ 10:30 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]3 comments
Sunday, August 22, 2004
I wanted to ask everyone before the entry beginning, do you believe in ghosts?
Wow, I read my entry for yesterday and I seemed VERY confused. Man, I'm glad I dont feel that way today...I bought Krazi Glue at the 99 cent store. I'm going to put all my notebooks together, separate, add stuff, basically get them organized. Does anyone else do this? I think I'm the only one who personalizes my supplies. Sometimes I'll even make hand stitched covers, and I feel weird being the only one...but it's kinda cool when someone goes :"You made that?!!...I can't even glue anything together". I went to the playground across from my building. A lot of people generally are there in the summer and I dont go because of my anxiety. But today, my mom claimed not too many people were there, and I went based on that and stayed. There were quite a few people, but I just ignored them. I either get the sense that people are staring at me, or ignoring me because I'm not worth gazing about. It seems crazy, and senseless, but this is what goes through my head. "Are they talking about me? What is my butt too big? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! OMG, they stopped looking. Okay wait, am I that bad that they just talked about me and laughed and went on to look at somebody else?". Conclusion: Severely low self esteem, mixed with paranoia and a mild social phobia. Mmm-hmm. I said low because the people who have bad anxieties can't even walk out of the house without having a panic attack. Mine just sinks in the bottom of my head, and annoys me until I walk away from the environment I'm in. This is why my therapist says to just leave it alone, let the thoughts go away. She wants to get me to try to focus on something else. I do and it does work, but days when I am extra paranoid it's just blatantly difficult to do. I might as well stand there and scratch my ass in front of everyone like a big idiot, and that will not even exaggarate what I feel. Doing that wont help me though, it will probably make everyone laugh.
I think this partially has to do with the way my mom seems to put down everything I say or do. She doesn't do it to be mean, or berating. What we actually found out through a few psychiatrists is that she's like this because she doesn't think anything is good enough for me. She wants me to have the best but in doing this rejects many of my ideas and thoughts, making me feel dumbfounded and a sense that I'm belittled. Perhaps this is where the mingling of different identities comes in. I command whatever seems to be adaptable in the situation as my served personality. When the situation or person I'm surrounding changes, I maladapt. It seems very fickle, and in many ways it is. But to understand why I have to do this, you have to go to the root of the problem. Six years old, and threatened with your life, you do whatever you see fit in order to survive the situation. But later, it continues as an aspect of your personality, and you become scared to even think of evolving into a new person, one who respects her own thoughts or opinions. You see, when you say something to someone, you generally have a slight mind for what they might think, but this usually does not stop anyone from saying what they feel is right for themselves. With me, I was faced with the fact that if I reveal anything about my abuse, or details about my abuser, he might come to haunt and kill my family. He tried to kill me several times, so I took the threat seriously. This is why I am so uptight, and afraid to do something. I am not being abused now, nor have been for several years, but considering the type of abuse that went on at such a vulnerable age in my life, for such a duration of time, it ingrates into my mind and personality, and hence affects everything I think. This is my mission: to stop doing this. It will be a gradual process, with ups and downs, but with time I think I will be able to forget certain imprinted behaviors. It seems to have been working so far. The end of this week was just bad. I will prevail again.
Feeling: horribly ugly, but motivated to see this goes away soon.
Posted by Cerulean @ 08:05 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 2 (+/-)]3 comments
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Today has been a day in the light of progress, skeptical. Nothing has thus far been beneficial. Aggravation, irritation through slight annoyances just seems more confusing. Could be the lack of sleep, or focus on myself and my activities. Could be I havent journaled or followed my t's advice. I've kept up for the most part. But today, it seems to be a day influenced by outside things. Too much drama, advocacy of this kind or that, feeling like I own a monkey rather than having a baby brother. Indulgences...could there be too many, or possibly too few. I find myself hungry, craving food yet I can't eat. I can't tell if this is a side of anxiety, or whether my anger just is too much that it wont allow me to eat, or I am being sedated by the aftershocks of walking through the hot sun without food for a solid 16 hours.
But, I have managed to revive my site, and what's more is this layout is made in MS Paint. Someone congratulate me for being able to live through mindless mood swings and confusing symptoms, and summoning up the brainpower to do something.
Let's count how long it will take til meltdown. 1,2,3....
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:45 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]1 Comment
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Wednesday, March 2, 2005
My life has become too much of a pityparty for other people. I shouldn't be so concerned or delighted when they do bad or good. It just replaces my Mother-Theresa syndrome with a be-all mother syndrome. I can't be a mother to all. I have to stop fighting myself and my own health, and letting others get in the way of doing what is best for myself.
Ive been doing some work, and it's coming along. For those of you who dont know Ive been having a terribly rough time since I got on some new meds, and I think they are making my brain convoluted. That and having everyone stressed around me doesn't help. I think I should take a step back. People rely on me too much. I dont know what I want to do with myself career wise, but I hope I can pick something good. I feel like I am wasting time too much doing things that are not necessary for me and dont help me out much. They probably detiorate my health as well. So, I am going to forget everyone's problems. I dont need to be dealing with them. I should be dealing with my own. I always consider myself selfish, because I am very afraid to be so. But I have realized, that there are some people in my life who are selfish. Who tend to use me for something and never give back in return. Who aren't there for me but always find me when they need me. I should let go of these people. It is not worth my time or energy to try to help people, especially those who are going to isolate me in my time of need. It's just been very emotionally hectic. I dont need to bother with anyone.
I feel highly convoluted. Like too much is piling up and I dont know what to do with it. I did a lot of tasks that I was afraid to do. Even something so simple as paying my bills. I payed for my credit card bills and I need to cancel them as soon as the balance is zero. These are express credit lines for gap and macys and I dont need them to accrue a whole bunch of interest or whatever crap is used. They are charging me 25 dollars for a late fee because I havent paid my gap bill within the month. I mean what is that? So you make money off the fact that I'm a student and also mentally uncapable of doing many things on time because of my illnesses. I dont think so. That had me very angry, because I should have been able to say no. But for some reason it has been hard for me to say that lately. I feel like I am going to say no and do something wrong...like it just feels wrong. I'm thinking it had to do with my amount of suppression Ive been dealing with lately. I have to bring this up with my therapist.
It's when they just assume everything about me is wrong, and criticize me, that I am doing worse. They know what my condition is, and I know what my condition is. You can't blame me for not helping you when I can't help you. When it is physically and mentally impossible for me to do so. You are risking my getting worse and faltering because you put this incredible amount of guilt on me for not helping set the table or something so insignificant but I feel inadequate. Is that what you want? Is this what helps you get through the day? Beating up a depressed girl in her mind and making her mentally rethink everything she does and discredit herself for all the good she does in her life? And discredit herself from thinking of whatever is right with her to be not right. It's just wrong. My head is going to explode. I am tired of being laughed at. "hahahah she cannot do anything," "hahaha she is so incapable,"
"oh she's just a big baby". Why dont you go and fuck yourself off. Really. That is what you really need to do.
Posted by Cerulean @ 03:05 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]3 comments
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Reminders...
1. pay off Gap bill
2. pay Macy's bill (ask for dads credit card)
3. call to see if loan came through for teri
4. check out what is going on with citibank (why do they want you to make payments, ask Gorodetskaya what you should do about the delinquency)
wtf i am so seriously annoyed...didnt take my medication one night and then took it in the morning but im still peeved. slept the whole day away and then something must have happened to piss me off. my dad speaks to me in this tone as if im a two year old. he acts as if i do this on purpose. im not a bum. i dont intend to miss things and do such. it is because i am mentally ill that i can't factor doing some things. it is hard as it is and when people make the assumption that you're not doing it because you want to, it makes it even harder.
i want to shred something. too bad i dont have a shredder, a lot of documents would be gone by now.
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:31 AM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
So today I have this weird assignment to do for Social Psych course. I have to find my daily horoscope, and relate which events in my day are confirming my horoscope and which are not. This is very weird, I dont have time for this and it sounds relatively ridiculous, but I have to do it. Lately I havent liked paying attention to me, so I just try to distract myself. Now this means I have to take a good look at me. It should be refreshing.
I fell asleep yesterday after battling an utter rage of emotions, and then zapped all my energy with medications. Tired from it all, I couldn't grasp the one thing that made me breathe. I had to be alive, I still have to be alive. As my shrink puts it, there is nothing else to do. I was frozen in all my fears and just slammed down on the pillows and went to bed, after talking to a few friends. Friends today keep me alive. My friends have always been good, but now I feel like sharing more with them and they really help me get through the day.
Rising Sign Horoscope
Sirazum
Sun Sign: Aquarius
Rising Sign: Aquarius
edit delete profile
February 16, 2005
At this time, you might find yourself taking a good long look at your available talents and skills, as opposed to untrained ones that you might want to explore. You might also find yourself re-evaluating your attitudes about money. Mercury retrograde at this time causes a powerful focus on your usable resources - whether they be skills or talents, connections, or disposable income. You might also make some decisions regarding future pursuit or disposition of wealth.
So I have to make a few adjustments. The new medication I have has a possible side effect of a deadly rash appearing after week two. Hahahahaha, This was the most amusing thing to me that day. Imagine, dying from a deadly rash. Rashes are something that just itch and come and go...but being fatal...wow. That is some mighty rash. I should stop. I might just die out of vengence for making fun of the rash....
Wheee....
I looked at the mirror this morning and my face felt pretty. Ive always thought I looked like a cartoon character and I wasn't the first to think so. Someone (a teacher) once said I look like a comic book character. I just looked at him with a you-are-kidding me glance. But I get it. Why I look like one, I dont know. I want to be a comic book character. :)
Posted by Cerulean @ 12:24 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Monday, February 14, 2005
My dear lovely readers,
I just wanted to say I love you lots. You are all so great to me. Those of you who reach out to me when I am in a time of need or just talk to me and catch up with what is going on are great!
To my friends:
Oh God I dont know what I'd do without you all! Every one of you is special to me. I'd done some things in the past which Im not too fond of, and had a hard time getting through this depression which I am still going through. Thanks for being there for me along the way. Your loyalty and support and givingness shows me what great people you all are. With each of your personal charms, I know you will go far. You are great in everyday life no matter what you do. Your dedication and good will will take you all to splendid places, I promise. :)
Hugs, love and kisses (however you like em);
:P
Posted by Cerulean @ 03:52 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]2 comments
Friday, February 11, 2005
Boy it's been an emotional day. Have you ever had the feeling where you thought you knew someone but turns out the person turned out to be something so different....well that is what Im going through with a lot of people. Not necessarily a good thing. I guess maybe I expected more...or just something along decent lines. Let me tell you about something sort of related.
There is this relative who has come from my country maybe a year or two ago. Already she's been working twelve hours a day and getting only about 30 dollars for it. She's only got a visa, and she doesn't speak english well. It's broken. Her daughter, who also moved with her as a family (including a son and a husband too) was put into special ed, as a result of her english/grammar problems. So this is what she tells relatives back in the country: "I work 3 hours a day and I get 1000 dollars a month..oh yes my daughter is doing extremely well in school. She has received awards here and is a great student getting all A's...." Top notch student in special ed. Well okay. The thing is, back home the girl was a mediocre student and they usually are aware of who is prodigious and who is not. So now everyone thinks that US education is a piece of cake over there, thereby demeaning all my accomplishments down to a "oh yea everyone can do it." I dont expect a slew of compliments from everyone for everything I do well. But the fact that I work hard and now people think it is something easy and that anyone can do it is bothering me. She also made my mother look bad by saying that my mother has never worked in this country, but alas...she doesn't need to because my dad can actually support all of us and my mom wants to actually be there for her kids. Excuse us for not rushing off into the workforce. She brags and shows off and although this type of thing is usual for my country, over here it makes you look very very shallow. I have no respect for you any more. You dont even have the decency to hold your own ground based on the truth.
Another relative of mine is coming from my country and he works in information technology. He is an Oracle certified professional (i know someone is going whatever that means) and has gotten calls from all over the country for permanent positions and even a call from Silicon Valley! Talk about impressive. So you see, I never really know what to deal with because things thrown at my way are always from opposite ends of the spectrum. Who says I dont have variety in my life.
Posted by Cerulean @ 07:49 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]No Comments
Friday, February 4, 2005
In anticipation of Valentines Day I have made a new layout. It's something that I have made after a long time that I've actually liked. My repressed anger that is coming out makes me come up with hideous pictures in a fit of rage. It's like destruction of beauty or something. I do feel better afterwards, but this means that there is nothing to show for all the time I've dabbled with Photoshop in the last four weeks. Except maybe this.
Tonight is a friday night and I was invited for 3 different gatherings. My friend Tracy invited me to come to her house, another friend asked me to join him to play pool, and yet another group of people are celebrating some issue or nonissue thereof. I, being the hermit that I am transcending into, have chosen to sit at home and write and maybe issue a draft or two to the silly people online about how I am feeling or doing, sitting at home. It's easier for me to pretend I dont exist by putting all my efforts into something virtual. I groan at the thought of spending time with someone, be it anyone, because it is hard for me to convey my emotions so I just chat online, where it is easier for me to break down thought patterns and write about them in small sentences not having to explain something. If given a request for an explanation I have the proper time without the nuisances of smiling or shall we say comforting and other things that I tend to do. Becoming invisible is a bad thing.
Lately Ive been feeling that urge to just be deterred from everything. I sleep and sleep is my comfort but even in sleep I am sought an anxious wreck. I am consumed by billing methods and registration problems that in all it's entirety have caused me to become specifically isolated and indifferent towards things. It's not even a fact to say I am indifferent, I am only indifferent outwardly when I become divulged and tending to my anxieties. I have a fear of the outside world, the unknown, and staying at home masks that. I hope anyone can leave me comments on the layout, as I am a bit drained and have felt accomplished in very few instances regarding web design as of late. I dont know why I'm talking like this, or typing in this tone, usually I just speak well mannerdly but also in a normal tone but now this is just some sort of formality. Typing that is. It's so hard for me to crack open my soul on a text online.
But I do it anyways. I hope no one is worried. I hate worrying people. I hope people care, although I'm sure I know they do. Sometimes you have to feel rather than just know.
My laptop pisses me off sometimes. That is about it. :)
Posted by Cerulean @ 08:46 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]3 comments
Sunday, January 23, 2005
It's a rather cross day. The weather is on it's own charade and it wants to be friends with the wind and the frozen sentimental chills of this storm. I sit in my room amused at it's existence, hoping tomorrow will never come. It is evasive. I have no crystal ball to ask and my memories have been shattered to a millions so I can't ask myself.
I hear the screams of a mighty two and a half year old leaper of beds, who claims to ask for help every time his tantrums are not answered. It's more of a "hawp hawp" instead of a "healp" but what can you say to someone who barely is intuitive of the english language. Hush therefore child, and I am listening to the wind and the heat and the chopping of vegetables in this odd tranced state I am in. My brain feels immensely itchy at it's core. I wish I could scratch something like it I could go on and on with a pencil striking my scalp but nothing will help. I wonder of the word zombified makes any sense.
Yesterday I took two pills of the Risperdal, and went back to my regular old schedule of pills. I had one - the neurontin which made me feel so much as if I were stoned I didnt know what to say or do but to stare at things. One single thought seemed so immense that I could not move, nor talk, and my reaction time descreased by what seems to be light years. I can see things happening, I just cannot react. I think the messages get misconstrued in my head so I am using this to the best of my ability to acknowledge that I am in fact going crazy in some forms. I am getting better yet going crazy. It happens. You break your leg and then you splurge energy and into getting it better until you lose balance and hurt it again. It's a continuum and it's very hard for me to see the light at either terminal when I am so lost I want to be shaking and losing my skins and turning into many forms so exchanging my being. Someone should massage my neurons should they work any better, and or faster...maybe faster. Or just work. damn you work.
Posted by Cerulean @ 07:46 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
For lack of complete updates for a while, I'd like to say, I WAS thinking about you. :P
My site to me is something I work with from time to time, so I feel no regrets when I am gone. I actually thought about what I was going to do with this site and stuff, and I want people's opinions. I know there are some that check it regularly. I think I'm going to add a skins sections, or themes, which is all like glamourous! Wooo yay for coffee and me not being able to sleep. I had a wonderful time in the break off, got to see some people I havent seen in a while. It's all good. I went shopping which is a big plus considering there was nothing in my wadrobe I could wear. I experienced great new music, from different people and even met someone from abroad online who I can totally relate to. Einar, if you're reading, hello :).
So, the best thing thus far is having time to relax. My grades are up, and it turns to be good. Which was to me, astonishing. I know I put in effort but I didn't expect for it to come through. I'm going to add a me section to the site to, which some random information about me yall didnt even need to discover.
This layout has to do with transformation but I have another layout which is going to be up too,
http://be.sweet-muse.org/prettygirllayout.jpg if anyone wants to take a peek. Ugh, we went shopping for shoes today and I am just so tired but the caffeine wont do me in. sooo you're probably tired of this incessant rambling. I just wanted to share my happiness. ::spreads seeds of joy::
:) ;) :P.
Posted by Cerulean @ 01:53 AM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]No Comments
Thursday, January 6, 2005
To do List:
-Make doctor appointment
-Go to Poly to pick up Tap Application*
-Pick up Jacobs Scholarship Application
-Fill out Tap Application and send it back in to school or place*
*ASAP
That's it.
Posted by Cerulean @ 03:02 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]2 comments
Thursday, December 30, 2004
I went to the bay today. It was nice and warm out this morning from the sun being up and someone had thrown a bunch of loaves of bread out to feed the birds. The ducks and seagulls had formed a mass around the loaves while some of were playing in the water. They huddled each other for the food and splashed in this way that made me think of relatives and family. It was one big community and the people fought for resources, but in the end children played and people fed themselves and enjoyed a good time underneath the sun. I was stunned, stood there for a while watching these innocent creatures so endured by a hard winter, but life for them was good. A little kindness goes a long way. I thought of the person who had the generousity to give away such big loaves of bread, probably a nearby restaurant but it was no less kind. If people thought about other creatures all the time like this imagine where we'd be.
This led me to a thought...."We have to appreciate the beauty around us and stop to breathe the air in once in a while sometimes without letting any other things bother us."
Some people who were walking by stopped and watched with me, and from the corner of my eye I observed them. It's odd when people actually stop by to see a scene like this in New York, because people are usually busy being bristled by their high paced lifestyles.
I saw a police officer on a horse too. I guess I had my share of seeing animals for the day. Someof the beautiful swans even came out to play.They look brand new in their winter coats, as if ready for the sun whenever it starts to be a little less frigid. And sometimes we miss these things, while we are busy doing something else.
Posted by Cerulean @ 08:18 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]2 comments
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Things to do on Christmas Day:
do the laundry (no one does it on christmas day machines are free!!)
buy some gifts for friends
wrap up gifts for the superintendent and the security guard
personally hand gifts to them
photocopy invoice from Gateway
write email to Khalu about chain
I think I'm going to be starting with the last one. I dont celebrate Christmas, for those of you who don't know, because I'm not Christian. But Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you.
Posted by Cerulean @ 02:35 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]1 Comment
Thursday, December 23, 2004
I hate when my mom asks me open ended subjective questions. It's not even like they're supposed to have an answer anyways. "Why are you talking to her? Oh Okay so why are you doing that? Who are you writing an entry to? What is the point of this?" What gets me most mad however, is when she thinks she can decide what I enjoy doing. Some parents will never learn. We are not just children any more. She wants me to enjoy doing what she does just so I can talk to her about it. She wants me to be like her best friend and her clone or something. It's madness. If she wanted someone to be so much like her, why didnt she clone herself instead of having a baby? It's detrimental when parents suffocate you so much. You have some kids who's parents just dont let them be, and some parents who are never around. I think acceptance is something so hard to gain or search for. Does anyone feel like they have well balanced parents?
This week was an up and down emotional whirlwind. I get high and then I come crashing down. Times like these make me contemplate the possibility of my being bi polar. Not like it would be the best thing if I was but it just makes me think you know, maybe if they could get a clear picture of what is wrong they could treat me better. Maybe I should take more mood s's? Wouldn't that just make me more of a turkey though. I dont think eating tubs of lard could make me as fat as these medications do. I'm just feeling so iffy...for lack of a better term. I wish some days I would wake up and be carefree and numb to it all but I can't, so I will try my best to do what I can. I hate people expecting me to be sunshine all the time, or not to go through up and down phases. If life was so wonderful it would be wonderful for me not you and even you have your hard times. Everyone goes through it. Don't pity me because I am not less or more than you. I'm human. I need to feel more like a human and less like an emotional yoyo.
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:20 PM CST [Link] [Karma: -1 (+/-)]1 Comment
Friday, December 17, 2004
You know what I want? I want you.
Wrapped up in velvet, snuggling up in a chair here. I want your mind opened to me, like Pandora's box. So many wrongs twisting up into a right, for if you dont do this no one will.
I want your lips to press themselves against my bathed soul, buttered in innocence. I want you to fathom days when I could be holier than your life and your tightening ambitions have ever been.
And I want you to hold me, when days are cold, sadness strikes, and these tears are all I can give to a crystal pristine existence.
If I gave you my heart, would you take the pieces and burn them, like hunters do on missions to stray from their young all the while never realized their answers were instilled in them? Have you broken an oath, caused a wound, or touched my heart with your fingers and found it too dry to meddle with?
Is it too slimy, do your fingers get stuck in the kinks of my reality, does it bite you like teeth and spit you out like fire? And do you ever burn for your memories, deposited with figments of dust, clouding up your midnight dreams.
I want you here with me, and if I could take you, hold you on my skin and make everything in the world stop turning forever. I would. It's so destructive, but I would. For you are the only thing I've ever felt close to eternity, sins apast, filtered delusion reeking wide, skinny smiles on my shining teeth.
Baby, all I want is you.
This is more like a piece by me than anything. It's about something I want. and it just decided to come out that way.
Copyright 2004, S. Islam
Posted by Cerulean @ 07:07 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]2 comments
Saturday, December 11, 2004
I have put a new layout up. Between the madness of the ending semester and upcoming finals, this is what I came up with. It represents that time period. I thought it was suitable. It's not killer, but eh something that works. I want to do the cities layout so badly. I ordered a laptop, and it's coming the 16th or before. Then I can hop on the bandwagon of sanity and express my emotions clearly.
There havent been any more changes to the site. I work slowly, so yeah. If any one of you who periodically check the site without comments, would like to see something on it, COMMENT! blahahaha.
I got a B in art history. That is a relief for me, considering that my grade started out as a C+ because of factored in stomach virus and sick days. I tried my best and I did put in effort, I was glad to find a class where I could be creative with some things. My schedule is done, ready and fixed, but I'm wondering if I'm going to keep up with the 16 credits. Taking too many credits I think cheapens the whole experience.
There's a whole war zone going on at home. Brother comes home, mom attacks brother, bitter verbal warfare ensues. I think the baby handles it pretty well. He slams the door and goes about his own, daintily walking and laughing and giggling to himself. It such a pretty site to see. He's kind of like a fairy, has his own way of making things seem so intriguing. Except now he takes me hostage into the bedroom. I dont know whether it's simply the fact that he enjoys my company or he wants me to stay clear of the benevolent path, but every time I get up to leave the room he pushes me back into my seat. It's rather funny too. He walks by the door and shuts it and crosses his little arms and looks at me sternly. "NO WHY?" says his little mouth. He glares at me with this proposterous look, as if I am crazy to even contemplate the outcome.
I managed to go to the MOMA for this project I had done and he appeared in my mind several times when I thought of who the artists could be. He draws these weird sketches, this 2 and a 1/2 year old. He doesn't sign his name on them or anything, but I could see him signing his name on them with a massive purple marker. Creating these warped fishes, and strange people. He gets the smily faces down pat, and they look so cute, but their body equivalents are just astonishing. They're out of place, but they seem to look real like some warped cartoon. I guess you really have to see this to believe it yourself. But I parallel his work for a two year old, with Picasso's work for a seventy year old. At two he's doing unbelievable stuff, and I cannot imagine what he would be doing when full grown.
This is my perception of it. I have a vivid mind when it comes to these things, especially when one can create in an environment so loud and obnoxious.
It's totally toxifying. The only way I can explain it. I need some baby madness. He's sleeping by the way. I love talking to him as if he is a full grown adult, he answers the questions and pretends to carry on a conversation with me as if we were fully indulged in one. And then he starts running circles around me, and I remember he is only a wee bit of a tiny child.
A child who can grow up to do many things.
We were all this child once. Even if we can never imagine it so.
I completely forgot what I was saying but nonetheless, now you have an entry. :)
Posted by Cerulean @ 10:09 AM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]7 comments
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
I have graffiti on my arms.
My baby brother thought I was a canvas.
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:19 PM CST [Link] [Karma: -2 (+/-)]3 comments
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Long awaited entry....how oddly I splurge onto this. I hadn't been updating due to the recent rather enjoyment of the livejournal, which was invented only to put me on hold from this site. The sentiment behind that I will explain later.
So beyond schoolwork and masses of my subconcious that drain away worrying for these grades, I have come up with many conclusions. I'm a battlefield, and I cannot be trusted with holding my future in my own two hands. I am constantly running back and forth among bases. What if I spilled my future? My gosh, what if I dropped it in the wrong time and place? That is what panic is about. But thankfully my doctor gave me these wonderful pills that dissolve quietly on my tongue. After 20 minutes, I am fine.
.....That is the miracle of modern medicine!
People have been fickle lately, and as an observer I'm quite overjoyous. Watching people blunder up their friendships and lives is amusing to me. Perhaps I am more sadistic than I thought. Being on receiving end of this hurts so much though. It almost makes me want to rip up all my friendships, for fear that I will be hurt again. So I quietly sink into an internal personality, while presenting to the world a menaced perfection.
Bugs make me jump.
I went nuts yesterday, in the office callously laughing at everything I heard. It was ammunition from caring too long that I just stopped caring. It happens. People think you care all the time when you're this depressed and insane, but it doesn't happen. If you cared all the time you'd be an emotional timebomb.
Anywho....
I'm going to refrain from adding anything else because I must continue with my new baby : http://be.sweet-muse.org/arthistory.html
It is an art history presentation/project, but it is taking a bit of time and effort as I do love to dabble in art. Leave any comments about what you think of the layout. It'd be much appreciated. I can even mail you a cookie, but I dont think it's good to have Fed Ex mail me back the crumbs. :P
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:17 AM CST [Link] [Karma: -2 (+/-)]2 comments
Friday, October 22, 2004
Someone has sent me photoshop. The next few days I will be tracking my mail to see when I get it in a random phase. I wrote a letter to someone. I never do these things these days, but in my cross of thoughts it just happened. Sue me. It's a good read. Here, enjoy.
I'm required to draw 9 pictures of some Renaissance paintings we studied in class. We can sketch out any pictures of these artists, whatever paintings they had done which we can find. This is not so much a mentally consuming task, but my eyes are hurting. Or maybe it's my head. My mother has spoken so many times that her words are reiterated into my head in some sort of vicious cycle. If the record never stops I think I can just die this way, words in my head replaying over and over of no remedial importance. It concerns me how someone can speak so much about one thing and not remember that they had stated all of it in the last second or half hour or last second of the last half hour. How can one possibly be so surprised and stunned over and over again hearing the same news? It's as if you lose your short term memory, and because you are without it you are introduced to the same people over and over again without any recollection you had met them before. But this time, it's almost as if you have to same experience over and over, and you are constantly stunned day in and day out. I know she has a short term memory. Damn it. I have to find it. Or else get her to a certified professional before her brain cells burst, or mine do.
Anyways, the point of this was.....or even if there was a point, since you did say that mayhem is a general term, I dont know how to function with so many things turned on. Lights blaring, her conscience infusing the room with incessant rambling, a little baby talking, saying "duck" every five seconds. I wish I could duck from my headaches, from the sheer insanity they are caused by! Bleh, so yeah, how do you draw these pictures anyways? I made some sketched but I'm not even sure. If there is any technique please be sure to tell me. If you get this email more than a month from it's sent date, never mind, just discard and pretend it never happened. Lol. You have a shredder anyways don't you? The things I wish I could shred...
Take care. Hope you don't mind the rambling. I would have written this in my journal, except I have completely forgotten what trail of thought I was taking.
-BC
p.s.- on the second hand i think i will post this, it might serve of some use in the future.
Posted by Cerulean @ 06:53 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)]7 comments
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
I came home to a butter covered baby dressed in pancake mix. If he wanted pancakes, why didn't he just tell me?!
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:23 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]No Comments
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Yesterday, I spent the whole day in the ER hooked up to an IV. I had been having terrible stomach pains for 3 days, and could barely eat. Having not eaten anything since the morning, I couldn't eat until it was dinner time. The day was pretty interesting though. The woman who took blood for me had to stick the needle in attached to this tube that she used to take out blood, then she used an injection of intravenous fluid and flushed the blood back into my vein. She kept the tube in tact with some weird mixture of tape, which looked like some type of Physics experiment (you know the ones where you have to hold something up with tape in a design so that a marble won't fall).
What was giving me sharp pains was actually gastrointestinitis (not sure), a nasty viral infection. There was a man there who was causing a particularly interesting situation. His father was sick, and he along with someone else had brought him to the ER. I thought at first he was someone who worked in the hospital, because he was wearing gloves,and he was trying to help out a man. But it turns out, the man was his father. The father was in a horrific state. The entire side of his head was covered with blue and black and red and green and who knows how many colors. He was given haldol to reduce his confused state, and repeatedly administered adavan because he had to be sedated. The son constantly was bothering and yelling at the staff, aggravated that one thing could not be done in two seconds. What turned out to be the people he brought along were actually an immigrant staff of two who were taking care of his father. These people were like the replacement staff for the nurses, and it created confusion among the er staff members. Nobody knew whether they should go in there and help out the man, or let the staff the son brought along do it. The son was consistently asking questions "where is this, why are you doing this, can we finish this in ten minutes, why did you leave the IV and not hook it up". Because of my depression, I was extremely aware of what was going on, as we are usually thinking or observing because our minds can't shut off. I noticed he attained a lot of attention in an area where he shouldn't have, because he was essentially just a man who's father was in the er. But he had all the nurses and staff on edge with his demands and questions. At one point, he caused this big problem because his father was given a bedpan to use when he went to the bathroom, instead of a diaper. He came out and went through the entire linen closet trying to find a diaper. The people who he brought along also did this, although I don't think either of them was allowed to. And this is what was going on in the room next to me, with me witnessing this because their entrance was open to my space so they had to come out through my room. It was aggravating, amusing,and interesting all at the same time. It kept my mind off the fact that I didn't know what was happening to me or whether I was going to live, seeing as they put me in intensive care.
They also had to hook up a machine to the IV I was on, suggesting I was more dehydrated than I thought. It was kind of scary. My blood pressure was also abnormally low, and I felt extremely cold. At one point I needed to go to the bathroom, and the nurse just ripped out the tubing. I walked around with a weird piece of tube coming out of my arm. I came back and the machine went haywire, every two seconds it was on hold and kept beeping out a strange sound. The nurse kept coming in to turn it on, but it went back to hold in five minutes. At one point it came up with this "OCCL" sign and it started beating at strange intervals and I'm like going okay...The fact that the IV fluid was cold didn't help anything. Imagine cold slightly salty fluid going into your veins while your stomach is being pumped out of it's acid so that it doesn't kill it's own lining. And I tried the fluid. I was bored. Water with a bit of salt and some sugar. Nice. Doesn't fill you up though. By dinner time I ate like a wolf. I could have stayed over one night, but in hospital time sometimes that ends up into three nights, and who can sleeps with those lights and that little man with his complaints.
Posted by Cerulean @ 02:22 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 4 (+/-)]1 Comment
Thursday, October 7, 2004
Self, This is a list of your things to do which I have compiled and selflessly put here to remind you.
-Apptment w/ Trio Next Tues 3pm
-Apptment w/ Fin. Aid Next Thurs at 11am.
-Apptment w/ Gorodetskaya Wed 4pm (ask if she can write something to show school)
For future:
Find Cheryl, talk to her.
Okay Good Day.
-Cerulean
Posted by Cerulean @ 05:18 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]No Comments
Friday, September 24, 2004
This guy kept glancing over at me, and i really mean glancing me over,
at one point I was tempted to say "are you looking for my third eye or something? because it's really not on my butt"
Oh, the fun ways of turning people off.
Posted by Cerulean @ 12:33 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]3 comments
Monday, September 20, 2004
You make me feel like I have no reason to live. Dont take everything I had to give and throw it all back like it meant nothing.
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:40 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 5 (+/-)]No Comments
Saturday, September 11, 2004
I keep thinking Ill write but then I completely forget. By the time I remember again, everything is changing. I wonder what my brain waves look like. We were offered in class to do an experiment on that, one of our labs would be it, and I did not concede. I thought it would be too confidential of information to share with the class,and besides. What if I had something wrong? If they were underfunctioning, or overfunctioning, then the entire class would know. Judging from the recent blow to my head, and the medications I had all been on,it wasn't entirely unaccounted for this to happen. But now, I'm rather interested, not because of the function, but because it could make me aware of something I had never known before.Maybe my right is sending more waves and I am focusing with my cerebellum there more than I am in my left. Maybe I am some sort of prodigy when it comes to tying my hair in knots (this is only a joke) or something that only the test can make me aware of. That would be interesting. And plus, it would just be nice to see what it's like. If it comes out normal it would be a terrible relief.
But again, some part of my brain may be overfunctioning and it would be cool even to know that. So this paraphenomenon might actually occur. I can actually understand myself. BIG NEWS.
So I spent two hours in the train this Wednesday. Sitting. Doing absolutely nothing but stressing over what time the train will move and if we will make it to our destinations by the time our class or work has started. This one lady made it to work. 45 minutes late- but she made it. I, on the other hand, traveled from Brooklyn to Canal, to Whitehall back up to Canal and finally to Brooklyn again traveling to realize my class had been over and it was senseless to be in school that day considering I had only time left for one class. The one which had been over since I got off the train. If I had a detachable middle finger I'd mail it to the MTA. This is for you buddy. Anyways, I hate this weather. I'd been agitated all week because of it. I need sun. It stabilizes my brain cells. Infuse me with sun, for 25.99. Life is horribly tactful in making you do things you dont want to do at the most inoppurtune times. My keyboard is a piece of trash and my mother is spinning in a web of anger instilled by Lord only knows what. I just hope I dont crack down from my bitterness and throw something at someone...OH NO...that would be so terrible and inconsiderate of me (guffaws).
Posted by Cerulean @ 04:33 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 4 (+/-)]2 comments
Friday, September 3, 2004
There is a hurricane going to hit Florida soon. I've always wanted to secretly be a meteoroligist, simply because I'm fascinated by the weather. Currents, DNA, forensics study was always interesting to me. How weather affects our daily lives, not just sun and snow, but natural disasters. Im very afraid of natural disasters. Once or twice I've seen pictures of tidal waves and I shudder when I think about running away from a 60 foot wave of water that is going to hit me. It's not even water any more, it's like a gigantic, ferocious monster hungry to swallow up everything in it's existing path. I panic when I think of it, and in water as shallow as my bathtub sometimes I feel I'm drowning. As people we seem to make very great steps in technology, we build our houses and we have our satellite t.v., but when a storm hits, we are shedded down to the essentials. Without light, we wander for candles and if we didn't have candles we'd be trying to make fire like our ancestors did in cold caves. Without light, we'd be walking in the dark as I remember from the Blackout of 2002, I walked up a pitchblack flight of stairs wondering how blind people can move around without being able to see a thing. I walked into my house, and without my dad's flashlight he wouldn't have been able to recognize me, and even when he had one, there was still a threat was I was some stranger ready to loot him for all he had. I remember showering in the faint dusk of a flashlight turned upside down, and wondering if the water was coming out the color it should have been. Streets had no streetlights, and everyone who was on a bus took an extra risk that afternoon. They gave away free meals, sneakers, I got a donut and a muffin, because they couldn't refrigerate without electricity, or have alarms. People got clothes and shoes free when they were being rung up on the cash register and the power went out. They had their money ready to pay, but without the short ring of that register with electricity they couldn't be charged up. The weird thing is, people have never been friendlier to each other. We worked together and all devised a plan to walk home. I think I walked nearly 15 miles or more, then we found a bus and they didn't charge us fare. Some people became leaders, others supporters, but we all had a common goal, and could work to acheive it without the interference of modern technology to let us sit in it's shadow. People talked. People who hated each other, liked each other, never even knew each other began to see we had common denominators. We smiled at each other. Then our bus stops came and we wished each other good luck, and all wondered what happened to our friends for that day when we got home. We called each other up to check on each other, but some of us never talked since that day. Some of us probably wouldn't even remember each other on the street today, but two years ago this is what we had to do- come together in order to survive.
Posted by Cerulean @ 10:30 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)]3 comments
Sunday, August 22, 2004
I wanted to ask everyone before the entry beginning, do you believe in ghosts?
Wow, I read my entry for yesterday and I seemed VERY confused. Man, I'm glad I dont feel that way today...I bought Krazi Glue at the 99 cent store. I'm going to put all my notebooks together, separate, add stuff, basically get them organized. Does anyone else do this? I think I'm the only one who personalizes my supplies. Sometimes I'll even make hand stitched covers, and I feel weird being the only one...but it's kinda cool when someone goes :"You made that?!!...I can't even glue anything together". I went to the playground across from my building. A lot of people generally are there in the summer and I dont go because of my anxiety. But today, my mom claimed not too many people were there, and I went based on that and stayed. There were quite a few people, but I just ignored them. I either get the sense that people are staring at me, or ignoring me because I'm not worth gazing about. It seems crazy, and senseless, but this is what goes through my head. "Are they talking about me? What is my butt too big? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! OMG, they stopped looking. Okay wait, am I that bad that they just talked about me and laughed and went on to look at somebody else?". Conclusion: Severely low self esteem, mixed with paranoia and a mild social phobia. Mmm-hmm. I said low because the people who have bad anxieties can't even walk out of the house without having a panic attack. Mine just sinks in the bottom of my head, and annoys me until I walk away from the environment I'm in. This is why my therapist says to just leave it alone, let the thoughts go away. She wants to get me to try to focus on something else. I do and it does work, but days when I am extra paranoid it's just blatantly difficult to do. I might as well stand there and scratch my ass in front of everyone like a big idiot, and that will not even exaggarate what I feel. Doing that wont help me though, it will probably make everyone laugh.
I think this partially has to do with the way my mom seems to put down everything I say or do. She doesn't do it to be mean, or berating. What we actually found out through a few psychiatrists is that she's like this because she doesn't think anything is good enough for me. She wants me to have the best but in doing this rejects many of my ideas and thoughts, making me feel dumbfounded and a sense that I'm belittled. Perhaps this is where the mingling of different identities comes in. I command whatever seems to be adaptable in the situation as my served personality. When the situation or person I'm surrounding changes, I maladapt. It seems very fickle, and in many ways it is. But to understand why I have to do this, you have to go to the root of the problem. Six years old, and threatened with your life, you do whatever you see fit in order to survive the situation. But later, it continues as an aspect of your personality, and you become scared to even think of evolving into a new person, one who respects her own thoughts or opinions. You see, when you say something to someone, you generally have a slight mind for what they might think, but this usually does not stop anyone from saying what they feel is right for themselves. With me, I was faced with the fact that if I reveal anything about my abuse, or details about my abuser, he might come to haunt and kill my family. He tried to kill me several times, so I took the threat seriously. This is why I am so uptight, and afraid to do something. I am not being abused now, nor have been for several years, but considering the type of abuse that went on at such a vulnerable age in my life, for such a duration of time, it ingrates into my mind and personality, and hence affects everything I think. This is my mission: to stop doing this. It will be a gradual process, with ups and downs, but with time I think I will be able to forget certain imprinted behaviors. It seems to have been working so far. The end of this week was just bad. I will prevail again.
Feeling: horribly ugly, but motivated to see this goes away soon.
Posted by Cerulean @ 08:05 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 2 (+/-)]3 comments
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Today has been a day in the light of progress, skeptical. Nothing has thus far been beneficial. Aggravation, irritation through slight annoyances just seems more confusing. Could be the lack of sleep, or focus on myself and my activities. Could be I havent journaled or followed my t's advice. I've kept up for the most part. But today, it seems to be a day influenced by outside things. Too much drama, advocacy of this kind or that, feeling like I own a monkey rather than having a baby brother. Indulgences...could there be too many, or possibly too few. I find myself hungry, craving food yet I can't eat. I can't tell if this is a side of anxiety, or whether my anger just is too much that it wont allow me to eat, or I am being sedated by the aftershocks of walking through the hot sun without food for a solid 16 hours.
But, I have managed to revive my site, and what's more is this layout is made in MS Paint. Someone congratulate me for being able to live through mindless mood swings and confusing symptoms, and summoning up the brainpower to do something.
Let's count how long it will take til meltdown. 1,2,3....
Posted by Cerulean @ 11:45 PM CST [Link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)]1 Comment
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Search entries: ¶ 3:23 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
testing...
¶ 6:54 PM
1 comments
Saturday, September 06, 2003
Finally! I can blog. yay. This thing was having some kind of problems before. I want to thank Rita for hosting me. Everyone go visit her site. She's awesome. And, she lives in Norway. Go Norwegians. Woo hoo. lol. So anyways, the doctor has been giving me weird drugs, so bare with me.
I got a new layout up, as you can see. It didn't take me too long to make but I really like it because I like the effects on it. I never did anything like this before so I think it's good for me. I know I got a lot of bad reactions because it isn't the usual type of layout that I do but that's all okay. Everyone is just used to me doing one thing and they dont like me branching out but I like to explore my options. I think most of me has been very unfunctional lately. I am tired of being me. It takes a lot of effort on my part to be some of the things that I am. Im not saying that in a conceited sort of way, I just mean that sometimes it takes a lot of effort to be so patient, and it's also hard to be original. My policy before was thinking outside of the box, now I'm tired of being outside and I want to explore in. I know no matter where I end up, I will only be happy if I give myself the oppurtunity to venture out. Sometimes even things you dont like, you never know about unless you fully try it, because its a generalization put into our heads.
Hmmm...I was craving apple pie today so my mom told my brother to go out and he went out and bought me some. He also bought cheesecake which he got yelled at for. Now I'm blogging and I have a mass of laundry I did and must fold. I did it earlier today while i was showing everybody my new layouts. Hehe. I made plans with Kari. I am glad that is coming through because I really miss her even though I speak to her ....every other night. She's a really cool friend. Last time I saw her was on her birthday, which by the way, was awesome fun. I'm supposed to go fold laundry now and I'm getting really tired. Hopefully Kari will come back later online tonight and I can talk to her about some stuff that's been on my mind. Adios, for now. ¶ 6:48 PM 0 comments
I got a new layout up, as you can see. It didn't take me too long to make but I really like it because I like the effects on it. I never did anything like this before so I think it's good for me. I know I got a lot of bad reactions because it isn't the usual type of layout that I do but that's all okay. Everyone is just used to me doing one thing and they dont like me branching out but I like to explore my options. I think most of me has been very unfunctional lately. I am tired of being me. It takes a lot of effort on my part to be some of the things that I am. Im not saying that in a conceited sort of way, I just mean that sometimes it takes a lot of effort to be so patient, and it's also hard to be original. My policy before was thinking outside of the box, now I'm tired of being outside and I want to explore in. I know no matter where I end up, I will only be happy if I give myself the oppurtunity to venture out. Sometimes even things you dont like, you never know about unless you fully try it, because its a generalization put into our heads.
Hmmm...I was craving apple pie today so my mom told my brother to go out and he went out and bought me some. He also bought cheesecake which he got yelled at for. Now I'm blogging and I have a mass of laundry I did and must fold. I did it earlier today while i was showing everybody my new layouts. Hehe. I made plans with Kari. I am glad that is coming through because I really miss her even though I speak to her ....every other night. She's a really cool friend. Last time I saw her was on her birthday, which by the way, was awesome fun. I'm supposed to go fold laundry now and I'm getting really tired. Hopefully Kari will come back later online tonight and I can talk to her about some stuff that's been on my mind. Adios, for now. ¶ 6:48 PM 0 comments
Thursday, September 04, 2003
yay! it worked!!
¶ 5:39 AM
0 comments
test
¶ 5:35 AM
0 comments
Friday, August 22, 2003
Resting his shoulders against the shade of a tree, Niko blended in with the sorted tans and browns outside the inner building. I took off my hat so he could notice me. As he came nearer I saw he was wearing his trusty old hat, the one that was a shade darker than his hair. His eyes squinted in the sunlight, and he bent down to say hello.
"It's been so long," I said with a half hearted smile, which dimmed noticeably with his glance. He looked down, observed me, than raised his head up again. Glimmering in soft rays, his smile reached the tip of his lips.I remembered our newspaper boy from way back when. The attire was more than suitable for many of occasions, but the coffee cup in his hand and the New York Times tucked under his arm, completed the readiness and burst of both curiousity and motivation.
"You seem well," he prodded.
Not knowing what to say, I nodded, and gently lay down my copy of some paperback. He picks up the book and glances through it. His eyes dart from page to page, while his fingers shuffle contently at the old worn out printed paper. Simultaneously, he looks up to notice the reactions on my face, as if to show signs of approval.
Lifting up his hand, forking over the book, he says "Are you always reading this rubbish?" With his English accent.
"I think I read what I want", I reply, not defiantly nor convincingly.
He peers over to see me shifting my ankles, swaying from side to side, like I always do when I find something delicately amusing. Not wanting to admit it, I cautiously, turn my head so as to conceal my lop sided grin. He finds my amusement astoundingly hilarious for some reason. A burst of laughter comes from his direction, as he shakes his head. Niko always saved his words for later and let his expressions speak for themselves. He swung his hand over and picked up my pinky with both his index and thumb.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Your hands...your hands were always so small," he quickly lifts each finger to notice something, but decides to dismiss it.
"Let's go for pizza," he says instead, smiling and nudging me towards the direction of the pizza store.
There he decided on a large pepporoni slice, while I got garlic knots to pick at. We get a seat by the window, to watch some shoppers go by. After taking some bites of his pizza, he looks up at me and starts to stare.
"What?" I ask.
"You're always thinking about something...what're you thinking?"
"Nothing..."
He arches his eyebrow up.
"Just college loans and stuff...you know".
"Ahh...yes the college student's eternal backside ache. Have you applied for one?"
"I need to"
"This is for college this year?"
"No I'm backed on my loans. So I couldn't take out more. Now they say I owe them money"
He laughs.
"Is it the same in London?"
"Pretty much, except you dont apply for the loans there, you can talk to your counselor to get it done. I got mines doing my work for me...it's really great. They bend over their backsides for you, and then you can kick em in the end".
There is one thing you should know about him. Niko couldn't hurt a fly. When a few of us tried to kill this grasshopper to spill out it's guts, Niko defended it as if it was his own blood.
"If you say so." I reply. "British guys are charming..."
"You mean the British guys have a soft spot for you"
"Hah"
"No, it is true. I showed your picture around. They all find you to be a cutie, but I think we knew that when Gopie started following you around. You could always see a trail after you of a short Indian kid, and then followed his adoring fans"
"Yea, that was pretty weird," I admit laughing. "It felt like the duck duck goose trials. I was waiting for one of them to make me it".
"....Why were you so upset that summer?" he asks.
"What do you mean?" I look up to see his face, surprised.
"You know what I mean..."
I give him my puzzled expression. He brushes the hair off his eyes to look at my face. He placed his hat to the side.
"Well...I always saw you when I walked down the commons. You would come to school a few minutes early to just sit there. It seemed like you didnt want to be bothered...Like you were..."
"In another world?" I added.
"Captivated by something. It gave you this sunken glow. As if you could see the despair streaming off your face.."
"Maybe I was just sad about something slight that happened."
"You couldn't be this sad about something so small..." his voice rose softly and then fell..settling down. His eyes met mine, and he continued as I glanced away.
"You read everything. You wrote beautifully. I mean I still have some of your work hanging in my office. You could simply touch down anything with the swift ball of your pen, and capture an experience. But the great work, the compassion that it took to compose it all, all became without that appreciation for it. It was almost as if..." he looked down, contemplating through his thoughts.
"It was almost as if you were a bare robot writing devoid of the joy for it all," he finished off.
I stared at the wall. The words hit right into my heart. It felt like that at times. When I was composing down a work of art, a mechanical appeal for the process of writing, paralleling with a thirstless hunt, unfullfilling to me in the end. I scratched off whatever masterpiece I had at hand.
"I didnt mean to intrude on any personal matters..."
"No, no...It's alright. You have a magic with words that I couldn't resist answering your questions any how."
"I gave him a reassuring smile.
"So...what was it?"
"A plague that hit me in the storm when I was about five...I didnt know the kinds of affects it would have on me until later..."
So me and Niko talked. We talked about the weather, about our current standings, and about how to fix up this problem. He told me then what I'll tell you now.
"You should always appreciate every little thing in life. You should love every person that walks through that door into your life, because they have changed it in ways you wouldn't find affordable. You've been blessed with talent, beauty, and the remarkable ability to make people admire you from afar..and want to know what makes you tick up close. Don't destroy that. Build everything you can on that. For the person who has tormented you, or for the man who has let you go, there will always be another to take their place. In the end, they are the ones who will fully miss out".
¶ 1:48 AM 0 comments
"It's been so long," I said with a half hearted smile, which dimmed noticeably with his glance. He looked down, observed me, than raised his head up again. Glimmering in soft rays, his smile reached the tip of his lips.I remembered our newspaper boy from way back when. The attire was more than suitable for many of occasions, but the coffee cup in his hand and the New York Times tucked under his arm, completed the readiness and burst of both curiousity and motivation.
"You seem well," he prodded.
Not knowing what to say, I nodded, and gently lay down my copy of some paperback. He picks up the book and glances through it. His eyes dart from page to page, while his fingers shuffle contently at the old worn out printed paper. Simultaneously, he looks up to notice the reactions on my face, as if to show signs of approval.
Lifting up his hand, forking over the book, he says "Are you always reading this rubbish?" With his English accent.
"I think I read what I want", I reply, not defiantly nor convincingly.
He peers over to see me shifting my ankles, swaying from side to side, like I always do when I find something delicately amusing. Not wanting to admit it, I cautiously, turn my head so as to conceal my lop sided grin. He finds my amusement astoundingly hilarious for some reason. A burst of laughter comes from his direction, as he shakes his head. Niko always saved his words for later and let his expressions speak for themselves. He swung his hand over and picked up my pinky with both his index and thumb.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Your hands...your hands were always so small," he quickly lifts each finger to notice something, but decides to dismiss it.
"Let's go for pizza," he says instead, smiling and nudging me towards the direction of the pizza store.
There he decided on a large pepporoni slice, while I got garlic knots to pick at. We get a seat by the window, to watch some shoppers go by. After taking some bites of his pizza, he looks up at me and starts to stare.
"What?" I ask.
"You're always thinking about something...what're you thinking?"
"Nothing..."
He arches his eyebrow up.
"Just college loans and stuff...you know".
"Ahh...yes the college student's eternal backside ache. Have you applied for one?"
"I need to"
"This is for college this year?"
"No I'm backed on my loans. So I couldn't take out more. Now they say I owe them money"
He laughs.
"Is it the same in London?"
"Pretty much, except you dont apply for the loans there, you can talk to your counselor to get it done. I got mines doing my work for me...it's really great. They bend over their backsides for you, and then you can kick em in the end".
There is one thing you should know about him. Niko couldn't hurt a fly. When a few of us tried to kill this grasshopper to spill out it's guts, Niko defended it as if it was his own blood.
"If you say so." I reply. "British guys are charming..."
"You mean the British guys have a soft spot for you"
"Hah"
"No, it is true. I showed your picture around. They all find you to be a cutie, but I think we knew that when Gopie started following you around. You could always see a trail after you of a short Indian kid, and then followed his adoring fans"
"Yea, that was pretty weird," I admit laughing. "It felt like the duck duck goose trials. I was waiting for one of them to make me it".
"....Why were you so upset that summer?" he asks.
"What do you mean?" I look up to see his face, surprised.
"You know what I mean..."
I give him my puzzled expression. He brushes the hair off his eyes to look at my face. He placed his hat to the side.
"Well...I always saw you when I walked down the commons. You would come to school a few minutes early to just sit there. It seemed like you didnt want to be bothered...Like you were..."
"In another world?" I added.
"Captivated by something. It gave you this sunken glow. As if you could see the despair streaming off your face.."
"Maybe I was just sad about something slight that happened."
"You couldn't be this sad about something so small..." his voice rose softly and then fell..settling down. His eyes met mine, and he continued as I glanced away.
"You read everything. You wrote beautifully. I mean I still have some of your work hanging in my office. You could simply touch down anything with the swift ball of your pen, and capture an experience. But the great work, the compassion that it took to compose it all, all became without that appreciation for it. It was almost as if..." he looked down, contemplating through his thoughts.
"It was almost as if you were a bare robot writing devoid of the joy for it all," he finished off.
I stared at the wall. The words hit right into my heart. It felt like that at times. When I was composing down a work of art, a mechanical appeal for the process of writing, paralleling with a thirstless hunt, unfullfilling to me in the end. I scratched off whatever masterpiece I had at hand.
"I didnt mean to intrude on any personal matters..."
"No, no...It's alright. You have a magic with words that I couldn't resist answering your questions any how."
"I gave him a reassuring smile.
"So...what was it?"
"A plague that hit me in the storm when I was about five...I didnt know the kinds of affects it would have on me until later..."
So me and Niko talked. We talked about the weather, about our current standings, and about how to fix up this problem. He told me then what I'll tell you now.
"You should always appreciate every little thing in life. You should love every person that walks through that door into your life, because they have changed it in ways you wouldn't find affordable. You've been blessed with talent, beauty, and the remarkable ability to make people admire you from afar..and want to know what makes you tick up close. Don't destroy that. Build everything you can on that. For the person who has tormented you, or for the man who has let you go, there will always be another to take their place. In the end, they are the ones who will fully miss out".
¶ 1:48 AM 0 comments
Saturday, August 09, 2003
This site is going to be revamped. There will be no updates til I finish taking my final, which is on Wednesday August 13th. I need all the time I can because the material is so much and it's also very hard. I hope I can at least pass, especially with all the shit I've been going through. Wish me luck! :)
¶ 11:34 AM
0 comments
Saturday, July 26, 2003
Haha! This says Im like butt!
You are "well rounded" when it comes to life.
You're up for anything, anytime, anywhere!
Your friends love you because of the unique excitement and fun dynamic you bring.
Your lovers love you - because you love to make love.
No matter what that means to you...
Foreplay, kissing, sex , oral, indoors, outdoors.
You name it... and you're game!
What Body Part Are You Most Like?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
You Are a Like a Butt!
You are "well rounded" when it comes to life.
You're up for anything, anytime, anywhere!
Your friends love you because of the unique excitement and fun dynamic you bring.
Your lovers love you - because you love to make love.
No matter what that means to you...
Foreplay, kissing, sex , oral, indoors, outdoors.
You name it... and you're game!
What Body Part Are You Most Like?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva